But is it working? Is it actually making us happier? 

And is getting stuff, and doing stuff, and standing out, our true definition of success?

Keep reading or hit play on the podcast below to hear the research on material success as a strategy for happiness, and how you can create your own definition of success.

Which pop star got it right?

In the 1980’s, Madonna released her hugely popular song, ‘Material Girl’. In the song, she sang about how we’re “living in a material world” and how cash, clothes, cars, nice possessions and status promised feelings of success and happiness.

It’s a promise that, despite many of us knowing deep down to be an hollow one, still wields enormous power over how we structure our lives and define success for ourselves.

In fact, research from psychology professor and researcher Tim Kasser shows that, over the last 30 years, more and more young people are buying into the idea of materialism as success.

But does material success really lead to a happy, ‘successful’  life? Should this be our definition of success?

Or, should we be listening to Paul McCartney when he sang, “I don’t care too much for money, money can’t buy me love”?

What does the research say?

Tim Kasser’s research suggests the latter. For over two decades, he has researched how the pursuit of materialistic goals (money and status) over pro-social goals (family, values-based living and community) negatively impacts both individual and societal well-being.

In his book, ‘The High Price of Materialism’, Tim shows that materialistic values undermine our well-being. We tend to be less happy and are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and problems with intimacy – and this is regardless of age, income, or culture.

These values perpetuate feelings of insecurity, weaken the ties that connect us with others, and make us feel less free.

So, when we strive to acquire status, wealth and achievement in an attempt to gain happiness, we might be pushing it away.

Every day, we are bombarded with messages from the media promoting one idea of success, what they want us to prioritize and believe is important. So it’s more important than ever to get crystal clear on what happiness means to you.

What does success really mean to you?

My invitation to us all for this week is to take a step back and think deeply about what success really means to us. Not what anyone else tells us, but what we truly value deep in our hearts.

Perhaps your definition of success might be raising a loving family, looking after your health or living sustainably and simply. Perhaps it’s about making a meaningful contribution to the community or the world. Maybe your definition of success is to wake up each day and be grateful for all that you have. It might be to be a great parent, partner and friend or to make life one great adventure.

My own definition of success revolves around being kind.

Whatever success might look like to you, see if you can get clearer on that. And then start to move your actions and your way of life closer to that definition and see what effect that has on your state of mind and quality of life.

It’s ok to have nice things, achieve and strive.

It’s important to know there’s nothing wrong with having nice things or achieving goals that matter to you. There’s nothing wrong with living simply and humbly either. What’s important is that the goals and values we are focusing on are truly our own and genuinely lead us toward a more happy, fulfilling and meaningful life.

I wish you well with this practice. If you want to let me know how you go with it or have any questions, please feel free to drop me a line on social media.

I hope this was helpful.

Take care and stay strong.

The post What is your definition of success? appeared first on Melli O'Brien.

In this episode of Mentally Stronger, I want to talk about a favourite practice of mine called “when in doubt, zoom out.”

This practice helps us to “zoom out” from whatever negativity we’re focusing on at that moment, to see a wider perspective and to create some much-needed mental space. I explain how to get started with this super easy practice and the important benefits it can bring.

Keep reading to learn how to try it yourself, or tune in to my podcast below.

Why we need more mental space

There’s a metaphor I like to use to explain this practice. If you put a tablespoon of salt into a cup of water, it will be intensely salty and unpleasant to taste. But if you put that same teaspoon of salt into a swimming pool of water, it will be barely perceptible.

In the same way, when our mind begins to fixate on our problems, insecurities, anxieties and struggles, they tend to feel very intense and overwhelming. The mind can get very constricted around them, and our problems and worries become centre stage in our lives. Everything else is in the background.

However conversely, the more mental space we can surround those thoughts with, the less they will bother us.

How to zoom out and create more mental space

The first step when the mind is racing or constricted is to just take a mindful pause. Start by taking a long slow deep breath.

Then, take a moment to mentally zoom out and take in a much greater perspective of what is happening in that moment of your life.

Our problems rolling around our heads are not the only things happening in any given moment. Beyond our thoughts, there also might be birds singing outside, trees gently moving in the wind, the sun shining, and so on. It can be helpful to take a moment to connect with what is happening in your immediate surroundings, just listening, feeling and sensing.

You can go even further with your perspective and take a moment to consider that there are planets spinning, everything is changing, time is moving on.

There may also be good things in your life that you can reflect on in that moment– people who love you, food in the cupboards, your body’s health, and the fact that you’re safe. There are probably things you are grateful for in that moment as well as your problems.

Bringing back a more balanced perspective

This practice is not about only wearing rose-coloured lenses. It’s not that we ignore the difficult things in our lives. But when we zoom out into this broader awareness, it allows us to hold whatever is bothering us in a larger container. A see it from a broader and more balanced perspective.

It’s like we surround that problem with a mindful awareness… and suddenly, those negative thoughts don’t feel so overwhelming or deadly serious. They don’t have to be the centre of our attention. We can make room for a fuller picture. When we view things from a much broader perspective like this, we can deal with our struggles with greater wisdom, equanimity and effectiveness.

We don’t always have to try to get rid of our mental struggles or unpleasant emotions. Instead, when we are caught up in them, we can choose to ‘zoom out’ into this larger awareness and give ourselves back some mental space, a more balanced perspective and more inner freedom and peace.

So, my invitation is to give this a try in the next week and see how it feels for you, whether it’s useful or helpful in your own first hand experience.

Next time you feel caught up in stress, worrying, rumination or any kind of thought or emotion, take a breath and take a moment to zoom out. Take in the bigger picture of all that is happening in the present moment and in your life.

Let this practice reconnect you to the aliveness and fullness within and all around you – that we so easily lose touch with when we are caught up in our heads.

I hope this is helpful for you. Thank you for your practice, take care and stay strong.

The post When in doubt, zoom out appeared first on Melli O'Brien.

When we run from our shadow, it then becomes an unhelpful force in our psyche because the more we try to hide from certain parts of ourselves the more it ramps up the feeling that we are unworthy and deficient.

And it is these rejected and unseen parts of ourselves that are the source of much of our neurosis and personal suffering.

So by running from our shadow it prolongs our suffering, keeps us stuck in unhelpful conditioning and stops us from attending to the parts of ourselves that most need our attention and healing.

It’s a downward spiral.

There is an old Buddhist story about this that serves as both a warning and a wake up.

The man who never stopped running

Long ago, there was a man who was afraid of his own shadow that he tried to run away from it. But of course, no matter how fast he ran or how far he went, his shadow always kept pace.

He thought he could never be happy unless he got rid of his shadow, so he ran faster and faster until finally he was so exhausted that he dropped dead.

He didn’t understand that if he had only relaxed and sat down to rest in the shade, his shadow would have naturally disappeared and he could have been at ease.

This story offers us a metaphor for how to work with our own personal shadow side.

Bringing the light of awareness into the dark places

Through meeting our shadow material with mindfulness and compassion we can learn to stop running from it and rest in self acceptance, wisdom, and inner strength.

In this way we awaken to greater self awareness and we respond to our life with more authenticity, intention, compassion and courage.

For instance, it is only through seeing our own unconscious biases and prejudices that we can overcome them.

It is only through seeing the ways that we shut down that we can learn to open our hearts again, and it is only when we shine light into the dark places within and see where we are stuck in fear, defensiveness, hate or ignorance that we can finally have a choice to rise above them and embrace true freedom and peace of mind.

As the old saying goes “the seeing is freeing”.

This week’s invitation: Don’t run, rest in love

So my invitation for this week is to not let shame or fear keep you running from your shadow. Bring mindfulness, compassion and unconditional acceptance to it instead.

Know that it’s safe to stop and to acknowledge and embrace ALL of your humanity. All the crazy, all the flaws, all the beauty, all the weird stuff and the wounded parts. See if you can embrace it all in an unconditional loving awareness.

It’s not always comfortable or easy looking at the parts of ourselves that we’d rather not see but it’s well worth the effort because in doing so we stop the battle with ourselves, let go of so much unnecessary suffering and finally find a place of mental strength, balance, calm and ease.

P.S. You can get all my meditations, talks, courses and daily mindfulness coaching at Mindfulness.com. It’s free to join so come on over and give it a try today.

The post Why You Want to Stop Running From Your Shadow-Side appeared first on Melli O'Brien.

This rings true.

How many times have you tossed and turned at night ruminating about a difficulty in your life only to wake up the next day feeling even more agitated, tired and stressed?

How many times have you had a brief conflict with someone that perhaps lasted minutes, only to then continue to replay it in your mind for days, weeks or even months – causing you ongoing anxiety or distress?

And how many times have you not been truly present at a party, at the dinner table or at work because a problem was mentally weighing you down?

Recognising the ‘problem mind’ for what it is

This tendency for us to ruminate on problems is because of the way our minds evolved over the last 200,000 years. You see the human mind is a problem solving machine.

It detects dangers, analyses situations, predicts outcomes, and makes plans. This is what it is good at. This is what helped our ancestors stay alive in a difficult and dangerous world.

But the exact same abilities that led to our success and survival as a species also now lead to some of our greatest inner struggles.

Life is not a problem to be solved, it’s an experience to be lived

The challenge is that our problem solving skills work incredibly well when it comes to logical tasks in the external world, but when those same logical abilities run away on us and turn inward, everything can become a problem, something that isn’t good enough, isn’t as it should be, something that needs fixing, improving, changing.

Your work, your finances, your thighs, your relationship, your neighbour’s lawn, your child’s life choices. The mind can get caught in this fixation on problems to the degree that you end up relating to yourself as if you were a problem that needs fixing, and you never just let yourself be. It’s exhausting and sucks the joy out of life (been there).

And you can also end up relating to your life as if it was a problem to be solved… instead of experience to be lived.

It causes a lot of constriction and tension in the mind when we never just let ourselves be, when we never relax and let life be.

Office hours: A mindfulness practice to reclaim peace of mind

So I’m going to offer you a bit of a metaphor here. Professors at university hold office hours once or twice a week. They don’t give their students 24-7 access to them because if they did it would become totally overwhelming and debilitating. They would never be able to get any other work done.

Now likewise, if we give our worries and problems 24-7 access to our attention it will be just as debilitating and destructive. We can’t focus properly and we can’t relax and enjoy our lives.

Choosing constructive problem solving over rumination and stress

So what if, like those professors, we set up office hours for problem solving? What if we make a deal with ourselves to set aside a brief time every day or every week to do some focused thinking and constructive problem solving?

After office hours we let it go.

If we can do that, then whenever we start ruminating or worrying outside of ‘office hours’ we can give ourselves permission to leave it for now knowing that we have either already dealt with it yesterday, or that there is a designated time and space to deal with it later today or tomorrow.

This week’s invitation: Drop the problem, drop the stress

I invite you to take up office hours for the rest of this week and see how it goes for you. Remember, each time you find yourself ruminating on a problem simply remind yourself to come back to it in office hours when you’ll set aside deliberate time to work through your challenges in a deliberate and considered way.

By practicing office hours like this you can let go of the ‘problem mind’, let go of the struggle and stress and find more joy, clarity and peace of mind in everyday life. You can also deal with life’s challenges in a more focussed, calm and effective way.

Wishing you a wonderful practice with this and of course feel free to ask questions in the comments section below.

P.S. You can get all my meditations, talks, courses and daily mindfulness coaching at Mindfulness.com. It’s free to join so come on over and give it a try today.

The post Drop the Problem, Drop the Stress appeared first on Melli O'Brien.

Perhaps you constantly rehash a past mistake over and over again. Maybe you worry about a problem ceaselessly or you ruminate about a perfectionistic standard for your life that you have been unable to meet such as your weight, your finances or your achievements.

Maybe you beat yourself up over a bad habit or addiction or obsess over a feeling that you’ve been wronged or misunderstood. Perhaps you carry around rigid rules and expectations for yourself and others.

When we carry these mental burdens with us all the time, it’s like carrying weight on your shoulders. It’s exhausting, stressful and makes everything else in life harder.

I’m not suggesting we ignore the hard stuff in life, or stop thinking about the future and solving problems, but it is harmful and detrimental to get stuck in ruminative cycles, just repeating the same old thing in your head over and over again.

In reality that doesn’t help us, it only hinders us.

So today I’m going to invite you to drop just one mental burden you’ve been carrying around that no longer serves you.

So just take a moment now to pick one thing that feels like it has been weighing you down.

And now just considering what part of this thinking pattern is actually useful? Is there a lesson, an insight, a useful nugget of wisdom? If so then taking note of it and taking it with you.

And noting what parts of the mental dialogue are just creating needless heartache, suffering, negativity and anxiety.

Really take a moment here to see and feel the suffering it creates, how it fills you with anger, fear, insecurity or depression or the like. Seeing clearly the cost of carrying this burden.

And resolving to yourself now to drop it. Just give yourself permission to set it down.

Telling yourself it’s okay to let it go.

You can take the learning with you and drop the burden of the rest.

So resolving to disengage from it, to stop buying into it and getting hijacked by it.

It will probably keep coming up in the background of your mind over the coming days as a habit, but simply making a decision now to not keep picking up this mental load.

As you shed this one mental burden, feel the sense of ease and lightness that emerges and know that as you continue to cultivate an unburdened mind you make more space for inner peace, freedom and joy to grow.

Thank you for your practice, friends and thank you for being a part of this community. I’m so grateful to have you here.

With love and respect,

Melli

P.S You can get all my meditations, talks, courses and daily mindfulness coaching at Mindfulness.com. It’s free to join so come on over and give it a try today.

The post Drop One Burden appeared first on Melli O'Brien.

This voice, very often, isn’t very helpful. It commentates on our lives all day long. It speculates. It likes and dislikes. It makes judgements about everything (he is, she is, I am, life is…). It labels things. It complains. It compares us to everybody else. It worries about and plans for the future. It constantly replays and regrets the past. It makes up stories about our lives, which often don’t represent our reality at all.

It does all of this quickly and automatically, so judgements about all that we encounter can quickly become habitual, even automatic. Often, we’re not even aware we’re doing it, but this unyielding flow of judgemental thoughts makes it difficult to find any peace within ourselves.

The Problem With Automatic Judgements

The great majority of these stories and judgements that the mind makes up are what I would call ‘snap judgements’. They’re a quick, reflexive assessment of reality, of what’s happening. And therefore, many of them are incomplete and inaccurate. Some are unconstructive, and many of them can generate negativity, stress and even deeper forms of suffering. The Buddha once said that our own worst enemy could never harm us as much as our own unwise thoughts, and this feels very true when we look at the suffering our thoughts can cause us.

How Judgemental Thinking Creates Suffering

Imagine you’re lying in bed one morning. You wake up, you open your eyes and look out the window, and you see that it’s raining. And then the voice in the head comes in and makes a quick snap judgement, such as ‘what a dreadful day’. Now, is it true that the day is dreadful? No, it just happens to be raining. That’s the reality of what’s happening. But if the mind comes in and says that it’s a dreadful day and you believe it, then guess what you get to have? That’s right, you get to have a dreadful day. So a thought like this creates negativity. In other words, you haven’t recognised the difference between thoughts and reality so you play the thought out and you suffer.

Too often, we let our thinking and beliefs about what we ‘know’ prevent us from seeing things as they really are. We fill our minds with preconceived notions, biases, opinions and judgements. When our minds are full like this, we can no longer let any new wisdom or understanding emerge. When we think we know everything already, we hamper our ability to see clearly and to grow and learn.

We can so easily view people, events and the world around us through a veil of preconceived snap judgements. Maybe you have an opinion about someone and you ‘put them in a box’, as the saying goes. ‘She’s a hippy’, ‘he’s arrogant’, ‘she’s smart’, ‘he’s weird’ – but if we hold onto these mental labels, thinking we ‘know’ someone through these judgements, you know what happens? We never truly meet them again.

If you pay attention to the thoughts that dart in and out of your mind all day, you might be surprised at just how often you pass judgement about things, events, people…and yourself. Mindfulness involves becoming aware of the mind’s habit of judging and unhooking from the thoughts. In this way we learn to not take the thoughts so seriously and to see them as simply mental events. We discover a ‘liberating insight’, that thoughts are just thoughts, not reality. With this insight, thoughts lose their hold over us.

By responding non-judgmentally to the events and experiences of our lives, we cultivate the capacity to be non-reactive. We’re more able to stay grounded in peace, wisdom and presence no matter what life throws at us.

By observing things and people through the lens of non-judgement we see them with ‘fresh eyes’ – rather than make assumptions about them – it reconnects us with our innermost selves. We begin to see clearly that our thoughts are not reality. A rainy day isn’t a dreadful day – it is just a rainy day.

Reality is what’s left when all your judgements and assumptions have gone.

Why Our Mind Evolved To Judge & Make Meaning

Why does our mind do all the judging anyway? And why does it jump so quickly to conclusions about what’s happening around us? Why does it resort to these snap judgements and start attaching (often unhelpful) stories to our experiences? As with so many unhelpful things that the mind inadvertently does, it is only acting to keep you alive and safe – it has evolved to protect and serve you. Think of the mind as a survival machine.

To keep you alive, your mind take in masses of sensory data in any given moment and it has to filter it all to highlight what is most relevant. To do this the minds ‘filter’ constantly is asking these two basic questions:

• What does it mean?
• What do I do?

Your mind wants to understand exactly what’s happening in your environment. ‘What does it mean?’ can also sound like ‘what is it?’ – your mind wants to make any unknowns concrete and understood, so that it knows you will be safe. It also wants you to react as quickly as possible to what you’re seeing, feeling and hearing. When it asks ‘what do I do?’ – it’s assessing whether you need to run, fight or hide or whether you are ok and safe.

When your mind is making meanings and judgements about the things around you – what they mean, and what you should do – it wants to know what’s happening as quickly as possible: speed beats accuracy every time! That’s why the judgments it makes are best described as ‘snap judgements’. They are fast but not necessarily accurate. After all, a delayed response could have been the difference between life and death in our ancestors’ times if a wolf was in the woods!

However, a wolf on your tail is not very likely in today’s world, where you’re often very safe. Instead, try imagining this more likely scenario. You’re in a car park with your bags of groceries, heading towards your car, and just as you’re stepping out from between two cars, another car comes rushing past, nearly hitting you as you step out. It could have knocked you over, but you remain unscathed and the car cruises on, way too fast. Your body floods with adrenaline – you nearly got hit by that car!

Your mind takes a quick snapshot of what’s going on, scrambling to understand and make meaning out of what’s just happened. It notices two things: the car is a sleek, shiny convertible, and the woman’s reflection in the rear-view mirror reveals that she has designer sunglasses and salon-perfect hair. Immediately, the mind reacts with the thought ‘Rich bitch!’ This snap judgement is typical of our instinctive minds.

The trouble is, it’s easy to then start to believe in that snap judgement and allow it to influence your thoughts about people. Maybe you see other people with designer sunglasses or a sleek, stylish car, and you feel animosity towards them. When that happens we can no longer really ‘see’ the human being beyond their sunglasses or the car they drive.

These snap judgements have the capacity to colour our experience of the world in a powerful way and skew our perceptions, but we can untangle ourselves through the power of mindfulness and kindness.

Adopting The Beginner’s Mind

A great way to unhook from the judgmental tendencies of the mind is to cultivate a ‘beginner’s mind’. What do I mean by that? A beginner’s mind is simply a mind that suspends judgements.

A beginner’s mind is open and receptive, willing to experience everything as if it were the first time. It doesn’t condemn or assume it already knows better. The beginner’s mind experiences life with an open mind, free of any expectations of what it ‘should’ be.

This way of being reconnects us with this fresh way of seeing and unlocks our ability to be truly present for the precious moments of our lives – and the people we love. Next time you find yourself wanting to judge what someone is telling you, listen carefully and perhaps try thinking to yourself, ‘Hmmmmm, isn’t that interesting?’ If you open your mind to the opportunity to learn something new, you may surprise yourself with the things you discover!

This is where your beginner’s mind can really help you to let go of your snap judgements – about the people, places and events in your life. When you meet reality moment by moment, you put aside your attachment to these judgemental views and adopt the openness of a beginner’s mind.

The Beginners Mind Is Kind

Kindness is another aspect of the beginner’s mind. There is a warmth and openness to experience. A befriending of life in each moment. And this kindness doesn’t just apply to how we see others – in fact, we often save the harshest criticism for ourselves.

The voice in our head often has plenty to say to us about how much more we need to do in life to be ‘enough’. It often berates us with thoughts like, ‘You can’t do this!’, ‘You’re an idiot!’, ‘Who do you think you are?’ It is quite willing to loudly apply these negative criticisms of us in its misguided – though well-intentioned – efforts to help us thrive in life.

In mindfulness training we learn to adopt the kindness and calm of the beginner’s mind and observe these mental judgements that cause us suffering and stress. We meet them with kindness and understanding, knowing that the mind is only doing what it knows to do to try to keep us alive – and untangle from them.

In training in this way we become better equipped to be kind to ourselves, we also become better able to offer genuine kindness, friendship and love to others. If we can be less harsh, impatient and judgemental with ourselves, we will be more kind, patient and non-judgemental with ourselves and others in life in general. We can become islands of sanity, peace and kindness in a frantic world.

In this way, a non-judgemental mind connects and transforms us all.

Like anything in life, cultivating a kind and compassionate and calm mind takes a bit of practice. Meditation is a great way to take the next steps towards cultivating a kinder, more compassionate mind and an authentic wholehearted love of life.

After all, in the words of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, “What is love? Love is the absence of judgement”.

PS. If you’d like to take a step towards cultivating a more kind, wise, and non-judgemental mind now, you can take the 7 Days of Mindfulness course here for free.

The post How a Non-Judgemental Mind Connects & Transform Us appeared first on Melli O'Brien.

I believe now more than ever we all need to commit to making our mental health a priority.

In honour of World Mental Health Day, here are seven proven tips that will improve your mental health and boost your wellbeing.

1. Exercise Regularly

It’s well known that exercise is important for keeping our bodies healthy, but did you know that exercise is also vital for good mental health? Research shows that people who exercise regularly have better mental health, reduced risk of developing mental illness and greater emotional wellbeing too.

How Exercise Boosts Your Mental Health

• Exercise increases your energy levels both mentally and physically.
• Helps you sleep better, and good sleep helps regulate your emotions.
• Can improve confidence and self-esteem as you achieve a healthy goal and take care of yourself.
• Changes hormones and chemicals in the brain in mood boosting ways including an ‘endorphin rush’ that increases feelings of calm and happiness as well as improving focus and memory.
• Physical activity can be an outlet for irritation, frustration and bad moods.
• Exercise is a powerful way to alleviate the symptoms of mental illness. For example research suggests exercise can be as effective as medication or speaking to a psychologist for overcoming mild depression.

Think About Starting Small

Keeping physically active doesn’t have to mean working out at the gym, it can be simply going for a walk in the park. Experts advise that at least 20 to 30 minutes of exercise at least five days a week is ideal. If you’re not currently exercising why not start small with a goal that feels immediately achievable – like just 5 to 10 minutes a day. Start small and you can build up from there. This is often the best way to form new habits.

2. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness (a form of meditative awareness) involves training our attention and learning to have a more wise and skillful relationship with our own minds. Mindfulness teaches us to unhook from unhelpful and unproductive thought patterns and behaviours. It involves learning to steady our awareness in the present moment rather than getting lost in our heads worrying, ruminating about problems or locked into self-criticism or negative judgements.

Research Shows That Mindfulness…

• Reduces stress, depression and anxiety
• Increases stress resilience
• Brings feelings of peace and inner calm
• Improves relationships
• Improves overall sense of wellbeing and life satisfaction

3. Eat A Healthy Diet

What we eat affects how we feel. If you’ve ever watched how quickly sugar can have an effect on the mood of small children (and adults too) or if you’ve ever felt dull and tired after a heavy lunch of carbs you’ll have seen and felt the effects that foods we choose to eat can have.

But it’s not just sugar and heavy carbs. All kinds of foods can also have short-term as well as long-lasting effects on your mental health.Your body needs a mix of nutrients and minerals to function well, so making sure you’re eating a good diet is truly vital for mental health.

A Healthy Diet Includes

• A variety of fresh vegetables and fruits
• Nuts and seeds
• A good source of protein, from either fish meats (from good sources) or plant-based
• Regular water consumption 6- 8 glasses per day
• Potentially dairy, grains and complex carbohydrates like beans, lentils, pumpkin etc

Try To Limit

• How much caffeine you drink
• How much sugar is in your diet
• Taking in a lot of intoxicants
• Things you are intolerant or allergic to

4. Drink In Moderation

Many people who overindulge in drinking alcohol (or other substances) commonly do it to change their mood. Although it may numb or overcome a difficult feeling for a while, the effects are short-lived. Alcohol doesn’t deal with the causes of difficult feelings or solve our problems. It makes them worse. There are much healthier ways of dealing with difficult feelings including the other ones listed in this post.

Occasional drinking in moderation is quite healthy and enjoyable for most people. As a useful guide to drinking in moderation, keep in mind that the daily alcohol limit recommended by alcohol.gov.au is no more than two standard drinks per day.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Do you have a harsh inner critic? It’s common to beat ourselves up and berate ourselves but research shows this habit of self-criticism comes at a price: It makes us lose confidence, feel unhappy with our lives and even leads to depression and anxiety.

Self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves more kindly and studies show it makes us happier and gives us better overall emotional wellbeing (as well as a whole host of other benefits too)

In a report published by three German psychologists, which examined 79 studies on the link between self-compassion and well-being, they reached this conclusion: People who are kinder to themselves tend to be happier.

Kristin Neff, who has been a pioneer in the study of self-compassion says, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”

You can try some exercises to learn greater self-compassion as well as some guided meditations here.

6. Keep In Touch

We humans are social animals. We crave to feel connected and supported and to feel valued by others. Studies have shown that social connection is a vital key to good mental health.

Good social connection has even been linked to having a longer life. In one study on an elderly population people with strong social and community ties were two to three times less likely to die during the nine-year study.

Sometimes social connection can be a heart-to-heart talk over coffee but sometimes it can be a short phone call, or an email or message. Make sure to make time to connect with the loved ones in your life on a regular basis.

If you feel your current social life isn’t giving you enough connection, you can take steps to form new ones such as

• Enrol in a class or hobby that interests you. You’ll be able to connect with others who share a common interest as well as getting out there and trying something new.
• Join a book club, hiking club or other group such a knitting, meditation groups, fitness groups, community gardens or mothers groups.
• Try volunteer work. Not only will you bond with other volunteers and recipients but helping others gives you that warm fuzzy feeling too.
• Reach out and connect to people. Ask people out for coffees, dinners or to events like movies or bands. Try to get out and meet new people.

7. Do Something You Love

What activities do you love doing just for the fun of it? You know the ones you really lose yourself in? Take some time each day to do things you love and just enjoy yourself.

It could be engaging in a hobby like music, art, gardening or going hiking or riding a bike. It could be just having a cup of tea in the sun. Take some time each week (or even each day) to just enjoy life and let go of all your cares and worries for a while. Research also shows that it improves confidence and self esteem as well as improving our overall sense of wellbeing.

The post The 7 (Proven) Keys to Improving Your Mental Health appeared first on Melli O'Brien.

Why not pick one or two and you try them out yourself this week to see how it goes? If you do you’ll likely find yourself less reactive, more centred and calm and living your life with your inner compass set to true north.

[Access the Free 7 Days of Mindfulness Course here]

1. ONE MINUTE OF MINDFULNESS

You can introduce powerful one minute mini meditations throughout your day to refresh, ground and centre yourself. You can use a clock or timer for this exercise. Simply set the time for one minute. During this time, your task is to focus your entire attention on feeling the sensations of your breathing, and let everything else go for a while.

You can practice with your eyes either open or closed. If you lose touch with breath and become lost in thought during this time, simply let go of the thoughts and gently bring attention back to the breath. Don’t worry if the mind wanders. When it does just gently guide attention back to the breath as many times as you need to. I like to do this 3-5 times a day at my desk or outside in nature. If you don’t have a timer you can also simply count ten breaths….which takes around a minute.

Minute meditations are a an especially powerful ally in times when your start to feel a little stressed or aggravated or overwhelmed. It will bring you back to a calm centre when things get tough.

2. UNIT TASKING

For a couple of decades now, the catch phrase has been “multitasking.” Some people boast of their multitasking abilities on their resumes or at job interviews, others do it among friends and family as they talk about the things they try to get done in a day. There is a myth that multitasking make us more productive; in reality, it drains us faster. According to the research (1) Trying to spread our attention so thin and keep up with so many things makes us more stressed, slows productivity and makes us more prone to mistakes (1) . The NTSB (national transport safety board) reports that texting while driving is the functional equivalent of driving with a blood alcohol level three times the legal limit.

Research from the University of London and Stanford (1) shows that productivity can drop by up to 40% and IQ points can drop up to 15% when we multitask. When we multitask ee’re not more productive (1) ; we’re just busier, both mentally and physically, exhausting ourselves needlessly.

Try changing your focus to doing just one thing at a time. The official name for this is unit tasking. Take on each task with full awareness, one by one. When mindfully doing a task, you’re less prone to rushing, mistakes or forgetting details. You’ll find you can be more efficient with the task, and finish it without feeling worn out or tense.

When your ‘doing’ try to be there fully, with all of your attention, for each moment of it. The other bonus is that when you unit task you enjoy your work so much more and that’s a wonderful thing because hey – life is not a to-do list. It’s meant to be enjoyed!

3. LISTENING MINDFULLY

When listening to another person we are often there in body, but not actually present mentally. So often, we are not truly focusing on listening to the person who is speaking; we are caught in our own mental dialogue. We judge what they are saying, mentally agreeing or disagreeing, or we think about what we want to say next. We interrupt and interject before they finish their sentence.Try this as a mindfulness practice. Next time you’re with a loved one, co-worker or client, try what is often called ‘deep listening’. Don’t just hear their words; really listen to them. Give them your full undivided attention.

You’ll be amazed at the power of listening; it’s truly rare for someone to give the gift of fully listening these days and it’s an act of kindness and respect to the other. People notice and appreciate it when you truly listen to them like this. The extra benefit is of course that when it’s your turn to speak it’s much more likely that you will also be fully heard in the same way.

I hope you found this helpful. I’d love to hear how you go with it this week. You can share your experience in the comments section below. I love hearing from you : )

P.S. If you’d like to learn more about the power of mindful living you can take a free 7 Days of Mindfulness Course by signing up to my newsletter below. If you’re already subscribed to receive my newsletter you can re-subscribe to start the course.

(1) Psychology and Neuroscience Blow-Up the Myth of Effective Multitasking
(2) 10 Real Risks of Multitasking, to Mind and Body
(3) The True Cost Of Multi-Tasking

The post Three Easy Ways to Be More Mindful This Week appeared first on Melli O'Brien.

Wake up to a buzzing alarm and smack the snooze button a couple of times. Jump out of bed and on autopilot mode, rush to the kitchen to make a coffee. Half drink said coffee. Jump in the shower. Dress while gulping down the now cold coffee and checking your iPhone. Jump in a car or to crowded public transport. Eat some kind of ‘on the go’ breakfast on the way to work and then finally land at the desk or workplace to get stuck into all the tasks for the day…does this sound familiar in any way?

Now you may get a lot of stuff done that day but is it the stuff that matters to you most? Are you living in a way that expresses your values? Are you focusing time on what makes you truly happy, nourishes you, gives your life meaning?

What if you took 5 -10 minutes each morning to pause and contemplate these kinds of questions and set your intention for the days? I believe this one small habit could truly change your life.

By acknowledging what matters most each morning in this way — you cultivate incredible inner strength, clarity of purpose and a calm centre so you can meet each day with the very best of who you are.

This kind of connectedness with who you are and what matters most means you can meet any situation from a whole new state of being — waiting in line or being stuck in traffic doesn’t have to be a frustration. It can be an opportunity to express patience and mindfulness. A difficult conversation at work could be a chance for you to be kind but strong. A cup of tea at break time could be a time for gratitude.

It also means we’re less likely to get caught up in busyness and lose touch with what matters the most to us — time with our loved ones, nourishing hobbies and passions, time in nature, rest etc.

Henry David Thoreau, who took time out of his life in mainstream society to live beside Walden Pond has this beautiful quote, “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”

Now we may not have the luxury or the desire to go and leave mainstream life to live in the forest but we can all take a little time out each day for our own ten minutes to contemplate what it means to live our lives deliberately. To support you in doing just that I have created a morning intention setting meditation.

One is a short version for those who are very limited on time in the mornings and the other is a little longer and includes a brief settling meditation so you can cultivate mindfulness as well as connecting to your intentions for the day. You can download them or click below. There is also a written ‘mini’ version of this practice below.

Short Morning Intention Setting Meditation (5 mins) 

meditation

Morning Intention Setting Meditation (12 mins) 

Why not try this intention setting practice for the next 30 days to see what unfolds? If you do take this little time out each morning I’m sure you’ll find more meaning, purpose, joy and vitality in your days. I’d love to hear how it goes for you in the comments section below and of course feel free to ask questions too : )

With Warmth, Melli

A Mini Version of this Meditation You Could Do Anywhere Any Time

So to begin with settling into a comfortable posture. …..Allowing your eyes to lightly close.

Taking three deep, slow, mindful breaths to settle in.

Here are three questions to contemplate

1) What matters most to you today? (we can so easily get caught up in the momentum of the headlong rush of daily life – find ourselves putting one foot in front of the other…but hey you’ll only live this day once, so what matters most?)

2) What would you like to let go of? Are you holding resentments, regrets, grudges that no longer serve you?

3) Who do you choose to be today? What are the values you choose to express and live today in the world?

Taking three deep, slow, mindful breaths once again before gently opening the eyes.

The post The Morning Intention Setting Meditation: The Small Habit That Could Change Your Life appeared first on Melli O'Brien.

It’s worth knowing though, that a mean or critical inner dialogue or attitude towards ourselves can create a lot of tension, anxiety and heartache. We also often experience feelings of unworthiness when we ‘beat ourselves up’ or put ourselves down. We get sick, depleted and tired when we push ourselves too hard.

Many people believe that if they don’t crack the whip with a harsh self-talk they won’t be motivated to make changes and achieve goals but the research (1) shows just the opposite. Self-limiting or destructive thought processes, like the critical inner voice diminish our motivation and initiative whereas self-compassion and kindness increase them.

When we learn to be kinder to ourselves we also become more resilient to challenges and stress, more productive, more able to overcome bad habits and addiction and have better and more fulfilling relationships with others (1)…and it’s just a more joyful and easeful way to live : )

Here are three really simple ways you can start to be kinder to yourself today:

1. Soften The Voice Of The Inner Critic

The way that we often speak inside our own heads can have a harsh or cold tone to it, especially if something has gone wrong or we made a mistake. Start practicing self talk that sounds warm, friendly and kind. Let your inner voice take on the tone of a supportive friend or coach.

If you catch yourself sounding harsh, see if you can take a pause and change the tone back to warm and kind. Say kind and encouraging things to yourself like, “Good on you for giving that a go honey”, “That was a very kind/honest/good thing you did mate”, “Hey, it’s all ok”. If you don’t find terms of endearment like ‘honey’ or ‘mate’ useful then of course just drop them.

When you’re having a hard time, try using the kind of tone of voice that you would use to speak to a loved one who is hurting. Say soothing words to yourself. Things like, “It’s ok, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. You’re human”, “Take it easy darling”, “Oh this is a tricky moment. May I be kind to myself in this tough time”.

2. Do Things That Nourish You
(Can You Do At Least One Today?)

What are the things that nourish you in your life? Nourishing things are the things that recharge the batteries, relax and rejuvenate you. The things that light you up, bring you joy and feed the soul. Some examples of nourishing things are yoga, surfing, going for a walk, having a cup of tea in the sun, gardening, painting or other hobbies, spending time with a pet or loved one, meditation, reading a book, or simply taking a break to cloud watch or take a nap.

So often we get caught up in the headlong rush of daily life and we don’t make time to just enjoy ourselves and restore our energy. What can you do today, this week, this month to nourish yourself?

It could be as simple as taking a 15 minute break to have a cup of tea today, going for a walk in the park or carving out some time each week for that hobby you love.

The invitation here is instead of always pushing yourself, can you make time to care for yourself and enjoy yourself? Yes, you deserve it.

3. Take a Self-Compassion Break

We all have moments of pain and distress. When the demands of our lives stretch us to our limits, when we feel grief, heartbreak or we are overcome with anxiety, depression or hopelessness – and we struggle or fight against ourselves and our feelings, it’s like drowning in quicksand. We only add more suffering to an already difficult moment.

This is when we need kindness towards ourselves the most. Here’s the kinder way through. It’s called a self-compassion break and it can be done in four simple steps that can take under a minute once you’re familiar with it.

When you have a situation in your life that is challenging, painful or causing you distress, take a pause for a moment. Tune into your body and see if you can locate, and feel into, where you feel the physical sensations of the emotion in your body.

STEP 1) Is to bring mindful acceptance to what is happening. By doing this we can begin to let go of hardening against, and struggling with, what is happening.

So step one is to say to yourself either out loud or mentally:

“This is a moment of suffering”

STEP 2) Is about realising our common humanity and normalising the experience of having difficult feelings (we all do sometimes). There is no need for us to feel so alone in our experience or feel guilty or ashamed of what is a normal part of being human.

In this step say to yourself either out loud or mentally:

“Suffering is a part of life. I am not alone in this”

STEP 3) Is about offering yourself compassion and soothing. This is a difficult moment so here we bring kindness into the midst of our pain.

First, place your hands over your heart as a gesture of self-compassion, or if there is another gesture that feels right for you, do that instead.

Then saying to yourself the third phrase:

“May I be kind to myself”

STEP 4) This is an optional extra step. Here you can also ask yourself, “What do I need right now to express kindness to myself?” Are there words that you could speak to yourself like “May I accept myself just as I am” or “may I be patient” or “may I slow down a little and breathe”.

Or is there anything you could do in your particular situation that could nourish you and comfort you? An action step such as such as:

Taking a warm bath, going for a walk in nature, meditating, calling a friend for support etc

Through cultivating this kind of mindful self-compassion we can find connection, softness and soothing when we’re hurting. We bring kindness to ourselves when we need it the most.

If you’d like to try a guided meditation of the self-compassion break press play on the audio below.

What do you do to cultivate a kinder relationship with yourself? I’d love you to share your wisdom with us in the comments section below : )

Warmly, Melli

Self-Compassion Meditation

Download Audio Now

(1) Self-Compassion – The Research – Dr Kristin Neff

The post Three Simple Ways to Be Kinder to Yourself Starting Today appeared first on Melli O'Brien.