When painful or difficult things happen in life, how do you react? Do you immediately want to know whose fault it is? Blaming is the habit of making other people or things ‘wrong’ or responsible when difficult things happen to us.
According to research professor, author and speaker Brené Brown, we mostly blame when we are in pain or angry. “Here’s what we know from the research,” she says, “Blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain. It has an inverse relationship with accountability. Blaming is a way that we discharge anger.”
What We Lose by Playing the Blame Game
The problem with blaming is twofold. Firstly, when we’re stuck in blaming and finger pointing, we get defensive and we miss the opportunity to look honestly and gently at ourselves, see what role we played in events and how we might be able to learn and grow from it. We create wrong-doers and right-doers in our minds and may even feel justified to punish and attack others.
“All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.”― Marshall B. Rosenberg
Secondly we also miss out on the possibility of having an honest, open and empathetic conversation to hold people accountable for their actions and ask for change. Holding people accountable takes a lot more grit, courage and self-awareness than raging, attacking and fault-finding.
The takeaway: The moment that you place blame you undermine your resolve to create change—both within and without. In the words of Andy Stanley, “People who blame things rarely change things. Blame is an unassailable change-avoidance strategy.”
In this short animation, Brené shares a funny, personal story about being a ‘blamer’ and goes on to share some key insights from her research into this unhelpful behaviour.
May we all blame a little less, love a little more and take gentle, courageous and compassionate responsibility for our lives.
This was the teaching I needed today…and Brene was the teacher,
Thank you both, you are wise beyond your years
This is so astute and so important to be aware of. I, too, am a blamer. Is it not human nature? Yet we can begin to overcome it through awareness and working to improve.
Thank you Melli.
Hi Melli
I have followed you since the mindfulness summit years ago but have never expressed my gratitude on your message board due to desiring to be private, but I must comment on this… What a poignant topic!! I learned a lot and also felt some intense discomfort. Honestly, I was tempted to forward this to my kids mom, but then I caught myself and realized I was trying to escape this embarrassing feeling and prevent it from working into my heart by pointing the finger at another. IRONY. I really appreciate all you do for the mindfulness movement and how you are reaching so many people in the mainstream with such awakened concepts. METTA
Hey Phil! Its so lovely to hear from you. Thanks for staying with me all these years post the summit. I’m glad to hear that these posts and the summit are nourishing you.
I have to say I totally had the same experience writing on Blame myself. I thought of the people I hoped would read it and then…. had a good laugh at myself and humbly reread what I wrote and thought carefully about applying the teaching to MYSELF! Ha ha ha. One perk of my job is that I get to keep teaching myself the things I need to hear.
Thanks for your appreciation. It really warmed my heart today. It’s messages like this that often spur me on. Wishing you ease, peace and fun today and beyond. – Melli
Great animation to go with a powerful womans talk!
Hello, this is awesome !!🌻 Thank you, J.
I really like Brene’ Brown.
I highly recommend any of your books to my friends and family. Thanks, for your compassion and understanding of human mind, body and spirit!
Thanks Melli! My husband and I needed a well deserved break away…. and we both have complex health problems 😂
We were so well looked after during our journey however we arrived to the dirtiest room we have ever stayed in!
Didn’t play the blame game just calmly organised a room in our favourite hotel and 14 hours later we arrived.
Everyone involved has been so kind we were upgraded and they put champagne in our room!
All I wanted was a sunhat as I can’t drink alcohol….
How lucky am I being with my gorgeous husband in a place I love!
Sending kindness and best wishes to you…
So true about blaming. Love the cartoons. Appreciate that Brené Brown uses herself as an example, thereby defanging us right from the start. Love her humor, too.
From 1st time i listened to TED TALK of Brene Brown, til this TIME,
I always get a little more…
Clarity, charity & a vulnerable HEART willing to pause, reflect AND gently hug my self-the blamer, the blamee, the victim and the attacker:
In past, these were my only options.
TODAY i am free & empowered to be LOVE loved loving.
Thank you for this insight. Soon I’ll be walking out the door to the nursing facility We’re my dad is to talk about the negligence and oversight on the facilities part. I was very angry but have paused to think about how this can be done differently. This article and cute video is very helpful!
In general I agree. However I just had the experience of calling someone a bitch to their face after a long process of trying to get that person to engage over a bureaucratic decision that hurt me a lot. It felt like a response from integrity, having been blocked for so long. Proud of myself, re-empowered – Ooh the relief!
nailed it!