What is the best way to be there for someone when they are hurting or experiencing challenging times? How can we comfort them and ease their pain and suffering?
In this beautiful short animated video, Dr Brené Brown teases apart the difference between empathy and sympathy and shows us how empathy fuels connection, while sympathy drives disconnection.
She also shares the four attributes of empathy and reminds us that we can only create a genuine empathic connection if we are courageous enough to truly get in touch with our own fragilities.
The Four Attributes of Empathy Are…
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- Perspective taking: Perspective taking refers to being willing and able to see and feel the world through the eyes of the other, walking in their shoes as the saying goes. This requires putting aside our own stuff and really just listening to what they are going through.
- Staying out of judgment: Brené notes that judgement of another person’s pain or challenge discounts the experience and is an often an attempt to protect ourselves from the pain they are feeling. Staying out of judgment means being open to what they are feeling and refraining from comments that invalidate their experience or make them feel wrong such as, “that’s nothing“ or “I don’t know why you’re getting so upset about it”.
- Recognise emotions: Recognising the emotion means looking within yourself and remembering what it is like to have the feeling the other person seems to be feeling. It is a willingness to acknowledge fully what they are feeling and perhaps naming it. You might ask them if you’ve identified what they’re feeling correctly by saying something like, “It sounds like you are feeling really frustrated” or “I’m sorry, it sounds like you’re feeling so sad about that”.
- Communication: Rather than saying, “At least you…” try really communicating that you understand where they are at and validate what their feeling and experience is. You might for instance say something like, “I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’ve been there, and it sucks” or to quote Brené directly you could try, “It sounds like you are in a hard place now. Tell me more about it”.
Brené notes that empathy is a skill that that we can train and with practice it can strengthen more and more like a muscle. She encourages people to deliberately practice it often.
When we give others empathy we allow them to feel, to be fully heard, and accepted. We also encourage compassion, authenticity and intimacy to flourish in our relationships. Of course by doing this, our loved ones are more likely to behave in a similar way when we’re hurting – meeting our pain with the warm embrace of understanding and kindness.
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I fully agree with the last sentence in the video: when can a response make something better. Not.
The only think one can do is to acknowledge the feeling the other is experiencing. And acknowledge the fact that he has the right to experience them. So often our responses are due to us not being at ease with the other suffering … in our sight. We want it to go away. Letting them feel whatever they feel is, for me, a first step.
This is a good lesson in which I will use in the coming up months as my sister goes thru chemo and radiation. Perfect timing for my mom to send this to me..
Hi Melli, thanks for the correspondence. I’m a bit of a clumsy communicator but I agree with the Empathy reasoning in the main. … Actually some wonderful advice! I would add as a minor question, should we really say to someone “I know what its like, I’ve been there”?
I have a mate who says the same thing time after time and I walk away frustrated questioning how the hell can you say this? How can anyone assume to know what it is like for another as surely everyone has their own experience?
Oh yeah I hear you on this Phil. You know alot of language is in the tone and body language. If someone says it (“I know what its like, I’ve been there) with a tone of like “oh get over it. I’ve been there and it was waaaaaayyy worse, This isn’t a big deal” thats really different to someone saying verbally the same thing but in tone and body language “I can see how much your hurting. I remember that pain and I’m here with you. Your not alone”
Does that make sense?
One Word-**FANTASTIC**
Thankyou Melli so much for this lesson. It was a shock to me to learn that after all this time I thought I was offering my friends and family what they needed but instead I was giving them sympathy. I couldn’t work out why they walked away from me feeling so isolated. I blamed them of course for not seeing the brighter side of life I was offering. I have watched this video several times and will continue to watch it everyday if I have to until I learn exactly what empathy means and practice it.
Thank you Thankyou. Warmly Elsa
Elsa, this is such a beautiful, openhearted and honest comment. I love this. You know what I hear in you? A lot of care for the people in your life and you attempting what you thought was most helpful. I’m so glad that these tools are helpful for you in bringing your loved ones closer and offering support. May this bring more connection and love into your life : )
PS Brene Browns books are amazing if you want to dig deeper, and her TED talks too.
Thank you Mellli, for all the work you do. We learn a lot each day and will continue to do so. You offer so many tools I love. I hope to join you one day on one of your retreats when I return to Australia in a few years. Love Elsa
Well said. So clearly states the difference between sympathy and empathy.
The need for connection and suggestions on how to do this, were clear and easy to understand. We need to be vulnerable in situations where we want to be empathetic
I perfectly agree with you that it is extremely important to have empathy and compassion for others. But we need to have empathy and compassion for ourselves and then extend them to others. Also the most important factor that women need to learn is NOT to think that you change or fix an abusive man with your love and compassion. You need to run away from them as fast as you can. Thank you. Dr. Blair.
I needed this this morning. Thank you.
I like yo know more about empathy
Absolutely brilliant. Thank you for sharing this.
Wow, this is really thought provoking.