Do you ever struggle with negative thinking? If you have a harsh inner critic or get caught in worry, stress, anxiety, depression or wrestle with low self-worth, then you know some of the symptoms first hand.
Negative (unhelpful) thinking patterns can have a strong and sometimes devastating impact on our relationships, our health, our work… our lives.
With the four keys listed below, and a little practice, I believe anyone can break free of negativity for good. Why do I believe that? Because if I can do it (and I have) from the dark place I used to be in, then I trust these tools will work for you too—no matter where you’re at.
INEFFECTIVE WAYS PEOPLE TRY TO STOP NEGATIVE THINKING
People often try many different ways to get rid of their negative thoughts, including distractions, diversions or ‘drowning their sorrows’ only to later mentally beat themselves up for being still stuck in their negativity. It can feel like a real internal battle. These are common strategies that attempt to stop the thoughts and numb the pain in the short term but they only make things worse in the long term. It doesn’t fix the problem at its core.
The research shows that struggling with, arguing with, trying to drown out or push away unhelpful thoughts only amplifies them and makes things worse (1).
If you are struggling with negative thinking, I can tell you from my own experience that it is possible to turn things around, cultivate inner peace, and live a rich, meaningful and fulfilling life. Read on to find out how. But first a little bit about my story.
MY STORY
I went from being a bulimic, self-hating and disillusioned person to ‘waking up’ out of the negativity that plagued me and into a sense of inner freedom, ease and wholeness I could never have imagined in my darkest days. It’s like the mind-prison that I was caged in has now become a warm, cosy and friendly home in which to dwell. My mind is a place of rest, comfort and ease.
I now spend my life teaching other people the skills and tools that turned my life around. They have worked for me and hundreds of others—and they can work for you too, if you will give it a try.
Once you understand what causes negative thinking and integrate the skills to work with your mind in new ways, you can transform your life from the inside out.
One thing before you read on: it’s important to note that if you’re looking for a quick fix this is not what I have to offer you here. This is going to take a little practice and persistence on your part, but I have a little toolkit of meditations and skills below to support and guide you along the way (and retreats if you’re ready to take the leap).
The Four Keys all work together to create mental resilience and a calm, clear mind.
KEY ONE: RECOGNISE & STEP BACK FROM NEGATIVE THOUGHT PATTERNS
Negative thought patterns are repetitive, unhelpful thoughts. They directly cause what we could describe as ‘negative’ (unwanted or unpleasant) emotions like anxiety, depression, stress, fear, unworthiness, shame etc.
Once we learn to recognise and identify negative thought patterns as they occur, we can start to step back from them. This process of stepping back from thoughts is called ‘cognitive defusion.’ In cognitive defusion we learn to see the thoughts in our head as simply that—just thoughts. Not reality. You see when we are fused with our thoughts (cognitive fusion) we tend to take our thoughts very, very seriously. We believe them. We buy into them and we obey them. We play them out.
When we are not fused with our thoughts—when we can step back into cognitive defusion, then we do not take our thoughts too seriously. We hold them lightly. We only listen to them if we find them valuable or helpful. We certainly don’t take our thoughts to be ‘the truth’ and we don’t automatically obey them or play them out. We see our thoughts as simply bits of language that pass through the mind. Mental events if you will, that move through the mind all the time just like the weather passes through the sky. We have a choice in how we choose to respond to them.
The example I like to use often to illustrate the difference between cognitive fusion and cognitive defusion is this…imagine waking up one day and looking out the window and seeing rain. It’s possible that a thought might come into your head that says “what a dreadful day”. Now is it true that the day is dreadful? No, of course not, it is simply raining. However if you believe the thought “what a dreadful day”, in other words if you are stuck in cognitive fusion (literally fused with the thought) then guess what you will probably have? That’s right, you will probably have a dreadful day! In other words if you believe a thought like that, it can generate what we might call negativity.
Below I will teach you a simple and powerful tool to create cognitive defusion (untangling from thoughts) easily and quickly – but first of all, there is something that is important for you to know…
It’s completely normal to have negative thoughts! It’s part of our evolutionary history. There is nothing wrong with you. We all have minds that have evolved to be constantly on the lookout for problems and dangers, so most of us have minds prone to have many negative thoughts.
The problem is not that we have negative thoughts. The problem comes when we believe our thoughts are true. When you are no longer entangled in thoughts they lose their grip on you and lose their power to generate unpleasant emotions.
Let’s go back to the example above. Imagine you’re laying in bed in the morning, you look out the window and you see that it’s raining and once again the thought arises “what a dreadful day”. If you are not fused with the thought (you don’t buy into it) then your experience would be like this. You’re watching the rain falling, then you also watch the thought (as simply a mental event) “what a dreadful day” arise and fall away just like the rain is falling…and since you don’t take it seriously or believe it, it generates no negativity, passes by easily and you’re free to lay there relaxed and at ease, enjoying the pitter patter of the rain on the roof.
As you can see, the ability to recognise unhelpful thinking and step back from it is incredibly liberating! It can change the quality of your whole day and indeed your whole life. It has mine.
It’s important to be able to recognise the kinds of unhelpful thinking styles that can arise, so here are some other negative thinking patterns that are most common. Be on the lookout for them, and below, I’ll show you what to do when they arrive…
ANXIOUS THOUGHTS AND WORRY
“My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened”. ~ Michel de Montaigne
Worry is when the mind projects into an imagined future and conjures up scenes and thoughts about what could go wrong. Here it often creates ‘what if’ scenarios.
Sometimes it takes the form of imagining or expecting that bad things will happen or that nothing good will ever happen for you. You might fret about your health deteriorating, your relationship going downhill, your car breaking down or your career being ruined—even though nothing has actually happened yet.
You might focus on the lack in your life and believe that nothing will ever get better for you. Stress related to your financial future, the welfare of your children or your partner leaving you fit into this category.
CRITICISM AND SELF-BEATING
Do you have a harsh inner critic? Are you always trying to whip yourself into shape, mentally beating yourself up for not being good enough yet? Are you on a perfection mission? Another pattern of negative thought is to constantly criticise and ‘self improve’ because you’re not good enough yet. You may be very harsh on yourself, focusing in on all of your weaknesses and perceived flaws.
Likewise, you may extend this habit of criticism to others in your life. This can be the cause of tremendous strain on relationships. Negative self-talk and self-criticism often results in low self-esteem and a lack of confidence.
One way some people cope with low self-esteem is to compensate for these feelings by attaining status, achievements and recognition. Others may feel completely debilitated by feelings of unworthiness, becoming depressed or even suicidal.
There is nothing wrong with having goals and aiming to get fitter or healthier and the like—we can simply choose to do those because they are good for us or we want to stretch and grow. It’s a very different headspace to be doing those things because we don’t feel like we’re enough yet.
When the mind continuously hones in on what is wrong with yourself (and your life) and disassociates from what is going well and is good, we can become stuck in negativity.
REGRET AND GUILT
Ruminating on mistakes made in the past often creates feelings of shame, guilt and negativity. Feelings of worthlessness may arise when you play over and over in your mind, ‘bad’ choices or ‘wrong’ actions you feel you have made.
There is nothing ‘negative’ per se’ about simply reflecting on past experiences. This is how we can learn, grow and mature as people. Negativity arises when you dwell on a situation repeatedly with no real intention to learn and grow–but instead you are self-beating or wishing things were different instead of being accepting of things as they are.
PROBLEMS
Negative thoughts often revolve around what’s wrong with your life. Your attention becomes fixated on, and exaggerates the so called negative aspects of your life. Here your mind will often downplay what is going well.
For example, you may have a wonderful family, food to eat and shelter, but your car breaks down and it’s all you can think about and focus on all week long. You allow the situation with the car to dominate your thinking and negative emotions arise as a result.
All week you are frustrated, angry and depressed because of the car when your focus could be expanded to what is going well and what you’re grateful for.
The truth is that the car has a problem. It is no longer running and needs to be taken to the mechanic. That’s a simple fact. Ruminating continuously on the situation is not constructive at all and is another way we can get trapped in negativity.
If you have this habit of lamenting over your sorrows and problems you may constantly feel frustrated, anxious, depressed and apathetic. When you’re so absorbed in what’s wrong, you’re unable to notice what’s right.
Looking out for and recognising these common negative thinking patterns when they arise will help you be aware of when to use the tools below to work with them skillfully and break free from their grip.
GETTING UNSTUCK: THE ‘NAME IT TO TAME IT’ TECHNIQUE
People trapped in negative thinking often tell me they feel hopeless because they often wrestle or argue with the thoughts or push them away, but the research shows that trying to struggle with thoughts in these ways just amplifies them (1) as you may have noticed in your own life. What you resist persists.
So how do you move through life in a way that is practical, peaceful and authentic without getting stuck in negative thought patterns?
Here is the first step. It’s a very powerful, simple, tried and tested technique for untangling from thoughts without struggling with them. It’s called the ‘name it to tame it’ technique.
‘Name it to tame it’ is a phrase coined by author and psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel. Here’s the basics of how ‘name it to tame it’ works:
When an unhelpful thought pattern (and the associated emotion) arises you simply mentally ‘label’ the story. You’ve probably noticed many of our thoughts are repetitive and involve the same story lines. For instance one of my stories often is, “Who am I to be putting myself ‘out there’ teaching mindfulness. Aren’t you supposed to be perfect first!? Have it all totally together?!” I find this story unhelpful so when thoughts come up along that storyline, I simply mentally note to myself, “Ahhhh the ‘who do you think you are’ story is here again” and then I let it go.
By ‘let it go’ I simply mean, I stop giving it all my attention and stop taking it so seriously. I realise it’s just a thought, not reality, then I open my awareness to the world around me again—the birds in the trees, the sounds, the breeze. I get out of my head and into my life (more on this in key two)
As soon as you name the mental story or pattern, you have now stepped back from being caught up in it. In other words you have initiated cognitive defusion. From a neuroscience perspective, when you name the thoughts you stop being hijacked by them from the negativity they create (2) because you bring the smartest part of your brain online (the frontal cortex). The frontal cortex is reflective and helps you step back and get a greater perspective. You can do the same thing with emotions, naming them to tame them like “ahhh anxiety is here” or “oh shame has arrived”.
When naming or labelling your thoughts or emotions, one important tip. Make sure when you mentally label, to do it in a soothing, kind tone of voice. This is important as it helps you to settle and invite compassion and soothing into that moment instead of aggression or struggle. We’re not going to battle with the mind here. We are gently training it into new neural pathways of peace and ease. At a biological level, when you ‘name it to tame it’ in a soothing voice you even get a squirt of soothing neurotransmitters in the brain! This brings feelings of calm and ease and comfort (3).
KEY TWO: COMING TO YOUR SENSES
“Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.” ~ James Thurber
Notice that many negative thoughts mostly flow from two directions. The first is dwelling on the past—maybe you ruminate over mistakes, problems, guilt and anything in your life that’s did not go the way you believe it should have gone. The second is worrying about the future—fear of what may or may not happen for yourself, others or the planet.
This may take the form of stress over whether or not you will achieve certain goals or anxiety about the security of your finances or relationships. Or perhaps you may worry about getting old. Whatever your particular negative thoughts are, notice that in order to engage in negative thought patterns the mind needs to cast its focus mostly into past or future. Either that or we judge and mentally label things in the present moment to be ‘bad’.
When lost in negative thinking we tend to be so engrossed in thoughts that we completely lose touch with what is actually happening in the present moments of our lives. We miss the little pleasures of living each day. The sunlight on your skin, the taste of the food we’re eating, a real connection with someone we love while they are talking. When we’re lost on our heads we lose touch with the world around us….and we lose touch with ourselves.
To become more present, and able to step out of negative thinking, one powerful method is to ‘come to your senses’. To do this simply redirect your attention out of the thoughts in your head and bring your focus to your sense perceptions.
Whether you’re in your home, at the office, in the park or on a subway, notice everything around you. Use your senses to their fullest. Don’t get into a mental dialogue about the things you see, just be aware of what you’re experiencing in this moment.
Be aware of the sounds, the scents, the sensation of the air on your skin or the contact points with the seat beneath you. Be there fully in the moment. This is a form of mindfulness practice (more about this below).
Research from Prof. Mark Williams from Oxford University showed that when difficulties arise in life many of us tend to get caught up in excessive unhelpful thinking. Sometimes people try to stop constant unhelpful thinking but we don’t have to try to stop our thoughts. A more effective way to ease all that internal noise, Prof. Williams teaches, is to pay attention to our direct sensory experience. In this way there’s simply little to no room left in our attention for all that excessive thinking. Coming to our senses calms the mind and grounds us in the present moment.
Now, it’s not that we’re aiming to live completely immersed in our senses all the time. It’s appropriate to think when it’s useful of course. But we can use this awareness of our senses to ground and centre us in a greater awareness when when we find ourselves caught up in negative thinking.
It is actually almost impossible to be both deeply present in the moment in our senses and keep the negativity going! Try it out as an experiment and find out for yourself to see whether this is true.
KEY THREE: REGULAR MINDFULNESS PRACTICE
At the core of each one of us is a space that knows deep peace. As we grow up, we tend to get more and more drawn into the mind – our problems, our goals, our hopes, our fears and desires. We tend to get so busy, caught up and lose touch with this deeper sense of self…this pure unconditioned awareness.
It becomes easy for us to get more drawn into negative thinking the more we lose touch with ourselves in this way and lose ourselves in the mind. In fact research from Harvard University shows that most people are ‘mind wandering’ 47% of their day and this is the root of what causes cognitive fusion (entanglement with thoughts) (4).
Imagine the ocean. Sometimes the surface waves can be tumultuous but the depths are unaffected, calm and peaceful. Our minds have the same nature. There is a perfect stillness in each of us. Just beneath our conditioning, thoughts and habits which can sometimes also be tumultuous, there is a quiet place inside and it is always available to us as a calm refuge.
Mindfulness is the practice of waking up to that wellspring of wholeness and peace. It’s waking up out of mind wandering (where we are lost in our heads, our old beliefs, habits, reactions and thinking patterns) so that we are able to live deliberately. Through mindfulness we build our capacity to live from that deeper awareness and tame the mind.
Regular mindfulness meditation has been shown to decrease stress, depression and anxiety as well as improving immune function. People who practice meditation report overall levels of satisfaction with life higher than others. In fact, researcher and psychologist Matt Killingsworth found that what makes people most happy is being fully present in the moment and that the more our minds wander the more unhappy we become (5). There is so much power in this simple practice.
By practicing daily mindfulness meditation you will gradually cultivate more awareness and be less caught up in your mind. I have provided a free meditation below that you can download and start practicing with but the best place to start is by the 7 Days of Mindfulness Course that you can take for free here.
Four Ways You’re Strengthening Your Mind When You Practice Meditation:
Each time your mind wanders in meditation, your task is to notice it and then detach from your thought stream and come back to your senses, in the moment. This is a practice of untangling from thoughts over and over again, a habit which translates in the rest of your life too. It becomes a habit to notice and let go with ease.
Each time you let go of the thought stream and come back into the present moment you tap into the stillness and wholeness at the heart of who you are. A sense of peace, lightness and joy arises more and more with each time you practice.
Each time you are kind and gentle with yourself when your mind wanders, instead of criticising yourself, you are strengthening your self-compassion for challenging moments in the rest of your daily life. You become more resilient to stress and cultivate a kinder mind.
Each time you observe the mind that is an opportunity for ‘insight’ into your mind’s habits and patterns so you grown in what we might call wisdom or self-awareness.
KEY FOUR: HELPFUL QUESTIONS FOR UNHELPFUL THOUGHTS
Some kinds of negative thinking patterns can be quite ‘sticky’. You may find that you try to ‘name it to tame it’ and come back to your senses but the thoughts continue to have a grip on you. If you find yourself in this position there are some further tools you can use to untangle from your thoughts and change your focus. These are called the helpful questions for unhelpful thoughts. These are drawn from ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy).
You can use some of these questions to mentally question negative thoughts and use others to change your focus.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help you untangle from the thought. You ask them and then you can answer them in your head. Usually you would just pick one of these at any given time.
- Is this thought in any way useful or helpful?
- Is it true? (Can I absolutely know that it’s true)
- Is this just an old story that my mind is playing out of habit?
- Does this thought help me take effective action?
- Is this though helpful or is my mind just babbling on?
Then you can (mentally) ask these questions below to create new focus and new possibilities. These questions will help you focus on constructive thoughts and actions and help you effectively face your day-to-day challenges and move towards living a more meaningful life. Again, you may only use of of these at a time but you could always try more than one too.
- What is the truth? My deepest truth?
- What do I really want to feel or create in the situation? How can I move towards that?
- How can I make the best of this situation?
- Who would I be without this negative thought?
- What new story or thought can I focus on now?
- How can I see this in a different or new way?
- What can I be grateful for in this moment?
With these powerful questions you can change your focus from being stuck in negativity to being focused on what’s going well. They will also help you take constructive action and move towards living a more meaningful life.
Constructive thinking allows you to be happy when things are going good, and puts problems in perspective when times get tough so you can stay calm and clear headed and deal with them in a practical efficient way.
PRACTICING THE FOUR KEYS
As mentioned above, the four keys are not a ‘quick fix’ method for creating permanent change of long standing patterns. True change takes time but I promise you with a bit of patience and practice these four keys have the capacity to truly change your world from the inside out.
Now at the same time as I say these are not a quick permanent fix, you will find that in any given moment of negativity, these tools (especially ‘name it to tame it’ and the helpful questions) can assist you to immediately untangle and change your mindset.
The more you practice these tools, the more they will become like second nature to you. It’s like building a muscle—the more you use them, you become mentally fitter and stronger. In time the old habits are worn away and rather than being preoccupied with negativity, you’ll become more calm, centred and self-aware, leading to better relationships, greater overall happiness and a sense that your life is being fully lived.
As time goes on you’ll become more and more like those ocean depths, less affected by the ripples on the surface and more connected to the peace and wholeness at the heart of who you are.
I hope this blog is helpful to you. If you have any questions or need clarification of any point here please jot them down in the comments section below. I’m always happy to help you.
P.S. If you enjoyed this post you may also find the post on How to Use Mindfulness to Overcome Negative Emotions helpful or The Mindful Way Through Loss and Heartbreak. A 4-Step Process and Free Meditation.
P.P.S. Here is a meditation you can use for overcoming negative thinking that incorporates some of the keys above. This is one of many meditations I have recorded for the Meditation Studio app (my favourite meditation app) – you can find more of their high quality meditations available here.
(1) Thought Suppression
(2) Dr. Dan Siegel: If You Can Name it, You Can Tame it
(3) Dr. Dan Siegel Video: Name it to Tame it
(4) Wandering Mind Not a Happy Mind
(5) Want to Be Happier? Stay in the Moment
Hi,
Thank you. Your name and tag strategy worked perfectly for me. Yesterday i got into a verbal fight, and it was continuously replaying in my head with all possible variations. I was feeling tense from inside. Letting go feels like chipping my masculinity but i knew that whole outcome is not at all worthy. Now i have given a funny name to whole set of thought. Surprisingly saying that funny term makes me smile and thus more calm. Thank you again for giving me such a useful tool for life.
Just wanted to say thanks so much for this article, Melli. I am really struggling mentally with anxiety and depression at the moment, but I have saved the link to this article and intend to re-read it at least weekly, to remind myself how to deal with the negative thoughts.
As you mention above, I have found that, when an anxiety attack comes on, it is helpful to focus on my surroundings and the present moment; I make myself list things I can see, hear and feel, out loud if I can, and it does help calm me down.
Again, thanks for making your website and articles available to the public, I do find them helpful.
I was able to find good advice from your blog posts.
I simply wished to thank you so much yet again. I do not know what I would’ve undertaken without the points provided by you directly on that area of interest. It actually was an absolute alarming setting in my circumstances, but discovering the specialized avenue you managed the issue took me to cry over happiness. Now i’m happier for the help and in addition expect you know what a powerful job you’re accomplishing training the others all through your webpage. I am sure you have never got to know all of us.
Appreciate thiѕ post. Will try it out.
Thank you very much for this. God Bless you and your heart always.
Thank you for sharing.
After reading each and every step, i could feel inner healing every moment, i thank you for all this, am going to practice this for good results, and i hope it will be more helpful, cos all along i have been a prisoner for negative thoughts, thanks again!!!
I cannot thank you enough for the article post.Thanks Again. Will read on…
For as long as I remember negative thoughts have consumed all aspects of my life, I have just come across this as I was trying to find some answers,wow it opened up the possibility of having a peaceful life,I always fight my negative thoughts and all hell breaks loose up there, but the name and tame way of thinking truly has opened up a beautiful door,once I name what ever negative thought is there a little more space gets filled up with compassion, and compassion is followed by peace,then we all sit down and chat together,suddenly love joins in and before we know it there is a gathering of beautiful emotions,the negative is still there but slides a little further away each time,this is the first day of the rest of my life ,thankyou so much.
Hi Melli,
Thank you so much for sharing. Very point you wrote about our negative emotions is related to me. I have started to practice the techniques you mentioned to overcome this emotions.
For years I have been in my head and struggling with some very negative thoughts about myself and depression and has been hard to stop these processes. Reading this has opened up new ways of thinking for me and i hope to find some better more creative self awareness and peace of mind from all of my tangled destructive thought processing. Thank you
Interesting article…
I wouldn’t say that diversion or distraction is an ineffective approach, at least not in my experience. It all depends on our relationship to the thoughts whilst we’re doing diversion. If we are not allowing our thoughts to be there, then diversion will not be an effective process, at least not from my experience.
What causes the most suffering isn’t actually the thoughts or feelings but our desire to escape or try to control them. We have to go counter-intuitive and no longer wish to escape from them. When we approach our negative thoughts and feelings this way, we can transcend them and therefore heal.
It’s also important to not have any agenda tied to enjoyable activities. If we view them as tools to make us feel better, then we will tie unrealistic expectations to them and create a tense and regimental experience every time we immerse ourselves in our hobbies. This is hugely counter-productive as it will just create more suffering. A more useful approach would be to just do them for enjoyments sake, not because they’re going to help us overcome our negative experience.
As a result of allowing ourselves to be with the thoughts and feelings and immersing ourselves in the things we enjoy doing, how could this not create a healing experience which brings us back to emotional wellness?
Thanks
Thank you so much for your help, I honestly believe these will help me a lot! Lately, I’ve been so unhappy, and depressed and I just want to go back to being the happy and carefree person I once was. These techniques I am sure will help. Thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing.
My mind can be like a tennis match in a beehive sometimes.
I look forward to trying to apply some of these techniques, primarily Name it to Tame it, and growing my awareness of things like low self-esteem.
Hi. After 40 years in therapy my first glimpses of happiness are here! I asked for a simpler way to be kind to myself than what I was instructed to do in therapy and then the 4 keys found me!!
Thank u so much
it is really helpful, worth and thought provoking
thank u so much 😊
hi there
I have just read this article + have subscribed to your email updates. I am going to implement these 4 pillars immediately into my life + want to thank you for your tips on this blog.. many thanks x
How can I help someone that has negative thoughts about her brother Relating to how he has changed since he met his wife without sounding like I am not caring about her feelings.
I want to really appreciate the writer,ve been battling with negative taughts and wandering mind,but as soon as I read through,am now understanding myself better.Thanks so much
Looking forward to more helpful tips on overcoming negative thoughts . Great job makes a lot of sense.
First of all I would like to say fantastic blog! I had a
quick question that I’d like to ask if you do not mind.
I was curious to find out how you center yourself and
clear your head before writing. I have had a tough
time clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out.
I truly do take pleasure in writing however it just seems
like the first 10 to 15 minutes are lost just trying to figure out how to begin. Any
recommendations or hints? Appreciate it!
Hello i just think things that are not even logical. I mean i laugh at myslf for thinking illogical megative things and when i tell myself that this is not true i become so happy but then my mind tells me that no u are not happy, the negative things are true and they will always be true and they will destroy you but i know they are not true but my mind convinces me. My mind is just measing with me rite? None of that is true right? I can overcome but i need to defeat the recurring thoughts and i need to tell them they were never true.
@ Aqsa Umar. Yes those negative thoughts are just messing you up so dont believe in them. Sometimes we human commit mistakes and done negatively in life but that doesn’t mean we are really bad as a whole, what we need to do is to accept what happen, forgive ourself and take positive action on it. If you have recurring thoughts after you feel happy then after that negative thoughts and then feel bad again, untangle yourself to those thoughts like recognize and step back from it, dont dwell on it and just let it pass like the one mentioned in this blog and practice more which one would work best on you. Believe in yourself and not in your negative thoughts. Just be patient also with yourself. God Bless.
I totally Ellie e in all of this and it has helped me. How to I help my amazing boyfriend see that his negative thoughts are just that? He has been through tough times and I’m not sure how to help him see that he has the power to change……I love him and want to help him, help himself but I don’t know how to teach someone these things. Thank you!
Thanks for the encouragement to life happily, purposefully and not get hooked by troubling thoughts!
All my gratitude for such a peaceful meditation. I love your gentle voice and the rythm of your speech. I’m coming back to mindfulness meditation after a long period of idleness and I’m fortunate enough to cross you road. Thank you so much!
Melli, your blog post has come at a much needed time. I have been mired by negativity, struggling to break free from it with little avail. I am familiar with your key points, but haven’t put them to work consistently. I am going to print your blog post and post a copy on my bedroom door and another copy in my planner. If I see it regularly, I will remember to use it. Particularly helpful will be the questions to ask to steer away from negative thinking. Being mindful and connected to the moment are helpful, but the questions take you one step further in the processing and dealing with negativity. So, thank you, again, for the timely arrival of your post. I will come back after some time to share with you how putting these ideas into practice has worked for me. By the way, I participated in the month-long online mindfulness retreat in 2015, and I like what you have done since that wonderful experience to keep mindfulness accessible to all. Congratulations!
I am 85 and have learned much of this already. However, I especially appreciate the clarity and gentleness of your approach – and the fact that you make it available online to anyone who is fortunate enough to find it. Thank you!
Jus awesome! I really got a new perspective n mantra by answering those questions. Thank u so much.. Untangling own own thought web is the difficult thing to do especially whn our emotions come in between. U hav showed a brilliant way to cum out of it. God bless u.
Hi, thanks for the article. Actually, I came to this realization myself this morning. I’ve been in the black hole of negative thinking for over a year now. The origin and ongoing cause: infidelity of my wife, lies, deceptions, and a massive destruction of trust. I’ve nested in my negative thoughts out of fear. Fear that if I start trusting again it will all just start over again. So, I just nuzzle up to my negative thoughts, miserably. While I am just at the beginning of turning the corner, I have to wonder if I won’t just once more be made a fool of for loving and trusting my wife. Thanks for the ear.
A very interesting article. I seem to be trapped with negative thoughts for a while now and am trying to change my thinking patterns over the last year. Some has worked but as you would probably hear its easy to go back to negative thoughts as its an easy thing to do. Being positive is so much harder but I can see how being positive is so much more rewarding to my own life. My girlfriend recently broke off our relationship after talk of love, moving in and marriage. I was (well probably still am) heartbroken over this and will use your techniques to help me through this process. Any other support or advice you may have I will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for this. I, like yourself, have issues with bulimia, which I thought were over but have manifested itself again. I also have anxiety and depression. I am in such a rut and have spoken to several counselors over the years but none of them truly helped me. I am constantly putting myself down, comparing myself to others, being jealous of all the skinny, tall, pretty girls around me. I have 2 beautiful daughters and I worry that this will negatively impact them in the future. I am married, but definitely not happily. My husband lets me know that I am the problem, not him. If there is any way we can talk or communicate I would greatly appreciate it. I am desperately longing to release myself from this prison and take back my life, like myself and be positive.
Thanks so much!
Just read your post, this is amazing! I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder this week and really needed this. Thank you so much!
thanks a lot i felt soothed thanks
thanks
I totally get that negative thinking can affect your life. But when you have had the same negative outcomes in life, how can you be positive? You can try and lie to yourself and say “oh yes this will work out”…. But then it doesn’t and it just builds more negativity. If things would work out a bit more I can see being genuinely positive. I don’t think anybody really wants to be negative but when negative stuff continues to happen, how can you really be positive? You say “change your thinking”… The reality is, if some good things would happen, then you could change your thinking but when you are constantly beat down, it’s pretty impossible to be positive. When so many things don’t go your way, you get programmed to be negative. I have never been so depressed, sad, angry and frustrated in my life.
I have been suffering from insomnia and negative thinking for years. I rarely have two consecutive nights of good sleep. Until I read this article.
I started practicing the methods you suggested and things started to improve gradually. Over the course of two months I slept like a baby.
Unfortunately, things gradually went downhill again. It pains me to admit it, but faulty thinking prevailed and I’m back to square one. I will keep fighting though.
Hey Valentin, Thanks for this comment. Thats amazing to hear that you started practicing and noticed what sounds like a big improvement. Hey so what do you think changed? Did you continue practicing mindfulness? It’s not enough to read about it or think about these steps. You really have to keep them up. I’d love to hear how you are doing at the moment and wether you can start again and let us all know what happens!
Thank you for this
I am at loss of words to express my liking for this reading. I can relate every word of it and I am sure it’s pretty doable. Thanks for being there. Please stay in touch and keep enlightening us
You literally summarised a good book on meditation in this article. Awesome work! The key is, as you reiterated several many times, to realise that these thoughts, are, well, just thoughts. They don’t represent you. Once you pay close attention to them, you begin to recognise them for the joke they are. If you disconnect yourself from them, then is when you begin to realise the most beautiful gift you have, the present and the reality it contains.
this was fantastic! thank you. i learn a lot, and took notes.
You are very helpful Melli, thanks again 🙂 If you come to Latin America it would be nice to organise a retreat.
This article was exactly what I needed this evening as I sit in my studio in Los Angeles. I have found myself to be in quite a funk and it has affected my self esteem, finances, relationship, and has caused immense waves of anxiety. I have always been a tough cookie so it’s been interesting dealing with this recent funk fixated on negativity, but I do realize everything happens in life for a reason. Thank you for this post.
I m kiran from india please help me of gettin out of these negative thinking.
Hi i m kiran from india. please help me to get out of these negative thinking.i cant live with these thoughts which comes in my mind all the time everywhere. I wnat to live happy with my family and friend but because of this negative thinking i always in bad mood and feel alone.
I still easily slump into negative thinking patterns. However, I’ve gotten very good at lifting myself out of negativity. Just being alive and breathing is sufficient for happiness and regardless of any other fact. The reward for your effort might be amazing too. Just adjust your attitude, choose life.
hello Mr’s mindfulness, Honestly I have been suffering from a mental trauma for the past six months Now, well because am looking for a job, and also wants to do my gospel music as a musician. so since then I have having destructive negative thinking and it brought me down. but with this I think I would move forward Now. worry too and anxiety has a way of dealing with my mind. but I would key Into this. I still need more help regarding this thanks
Hi Ikenna, Gospel music is so beautiful. Just thinking about it sends shivers down my spine! Darling keep practicing mindfulness and these 4 keys and I promise you it will make a difference. Someone once said to me “I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy. I’m telling you its going to be worth it” and thats what I’ll now pass on to you. Life plagued by negative thinking is a painful path but if you do specific practices to change the state of your mind then you can absolutely turn it around and have more energy and focus to share your beautiful music with the rest of the world. Maybe I’ll get to see you one day singing : )
Hi Mrs. Mindfulness, I’m not sure how you can help me because I like to take care of my depression, negative thinking and critical judgments through active exercises. By active exercises, I mean practising mantras or writing or changing my lifestyle through diet and exercise. In other words, I like to move forward instead of think of the past (so no thought journals!). On the other hand, it does not mean meditating or being quiet/still. I am already this type of person. The problem is that I’m also being influenced by someone that I spend time with daily. Thus, I feel like all of my efforts “go down the drain” because I have to lift someone else too. What do you think about all this?
I keep thinking negative about others weak points and think about their weaknesses whether they be my close relatives or friends or my own family.Becoming a loner and hating every one. Please help me by guiding me.
Khan
This article is great! It has change the way I think drastically. I saved this in my phone for when ever I start my cycle of negative thinking.
I want to thank you so much.
I tend to dwell on one thing over and over until I start freaking out and then it gets worse.
I loved your article, thank you so much. I think it will help so many people understand their own patterns of negative thinking and how to make those positive changes to a happier state of mind. I did just want to ask one question though, when would you switch from being the impartial observer of negative thoughts to actually using the techniques of mindfulness to change negative thinking?
Thank you so much. I’m currently trying to rid myself of negative thought habits and let go of things. All whilst trying to save my marriage. I feel like a changed person after this. I appreciate it so much.
Hi Mrs, Mindfulness,
I really like this article and I start to apply it, but I didn’t get this point “the impartial witness”.
you said, “have a sense of simply allowing them to be, creating a state of detachment from thought processes, and begin to see them as merely inner objects that you’re observing”. So, how I can allow them to be and at the same time being detachment from thought processes? how I avoid them and at the same time see them as inner objects that I observe? May I have authentic simple example to get the idea please?
Thanks
Abby
Hi, I want to thank you for this great post that I have been searching for for long time. Before reading this I did not know that I am having a problem with negative imagination, I used to think of it as day dreaming that I had to stop but could not. Sometimes I think that someone will be harmed or will lose one of my beloved and start crying, other time I imagine something funny but not true and will not happen, I get angry of my self in both situations as I am living in a different world than reality. I want to know how can I watch my thoughts and when I catch negativities, what should I do other than resisting them? Are there any techniques to keep myself fully aware of the moment? An last, if we would call this imagination a talent, how can I make use of it positively? Thanks, Nourhan.
Hi Nourhan, I don’t know if you might ever see this reply but the first thing you must be aware of if you want to be more aware of the things you are thinking is that YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS! it is difficult for you to stand as an observer because you still think of your thoughts/mind as your own. So, to become more aware, think of your thoughts as seeds, and you as the farmer. Simply be aware, when you are having a seed (thoughts) that you don’t want. There’s no use giving it your attention.
Hi, thanks for sharing your experience.
I’m battling with bulimia at the moment and would really appreciate some advice from you… My pitfall in recovery seems to be when I relapse.. I lose hope and fear another relapse, so I just allow myself to waddle in negative thoughts.. How did you pull through?
This is by far, the absolutely best written and described “Guide” on this subject i have ever read, it makes perfect sence!
thank you!
Hi Mrs. Mindfulness,
Thanks a lot for this article.
All what you wrote make clear sense, but I wished if you have touched on how to reach deep seated believes, and negative patterns which may stay out of reach of our awareness.
Kind Regards
Daniel XXXX
Thank you so much!
I was really suffering from this negative thoughts which was arising day to day. I always think of injustices happening in the world and society and social anxiety and now I’m practicing your steps and it’s helping me 🙂 and I’m going to get rid of this and achieve my goals for my future without any negative thoughts and distractions. Thanks again!! 😀
Sɑved as a favorite, I love your website!
I just want to thank you for your tips. For years I’ve battled with overthinking and negative thoughts. I’ve always tried to find things to do to help with but nothing has worked but I will definitely try this way. You pretty much described me to the T!
Wishing you well with it. Patience, persistence and self compassion!
I’m glad it’s been a benefit to you
hello sir…
I felt that my thought is my enemy…
I often think about third person instead think about me ..
what others think about me ? like this
I like to achieve lot of thinks but these thoughts makes me destroy
its makes me to think m pulse points into minus example: I have a good face cut and physic but I compare with ugly persons “oh god what happen if I look like her”….
I often get fear about, “is that me like her and her face cut and boady structure”
I hope that u surely laugh about following words:
1.sometimes I think or command my mind ” what u r doing I too don’t know alphabets then how could you read u can’t read” like this …
plz let me to know what is my problem…
Hi Melli,
Thank you for writing this post, it’s given me great strength! I know you’ve written that this is not a ‘quick fix’ method, but how long do you think it took you to feel like it had worked? I know that’s a not a very ‘mindful’ question to ask, but some days I feel like I understand mindfulness and other days it’s a real struggle!
{That being said, I’ve only been mindfully meditating each day for a little over 5 weeks!}
Thanks, Hannah
I read both your articles :”The Four Keys to Overcoming Negative Thinking…For Good” and “How to use mindfulness to overcome negative emotions”. I should say it is completely brilliant article. I thank you very much . I was not able to stay present due to a recent change that occurred in my life for which I was finding very difficult to adapt. Your article changed my perception and I could stay present and mindful much more easily now after reading your post.
Dude, great post. Can I also add that deep down you know what to do, it’s just the uneasy feeling that you are trapped in an emotional tornado that saps your confidence. Another big thing is talk to yourself as you would speak to your best friend if they came to you with your concerns.
Good luck to all.
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Hmmm, let me see if i can figure it out – hang in there : )
Hi ! I love your website !! I just wanted an affirmation forim you really if that’s possible. I have spent years worrying about what others think of me when im talking to them. I always think im going red- So much that i actually do (and rashy) the last day I have tried to catch my thinking when im about to think this and instead think ‘I can be confident’ it is working because i can feel a shift in how i an feeling when i do this. However i just need an affirmation that this will get easier as time goes on because I am having to keep forcing myself to stop my original thoughts and think the new way. If you can affirm this for me then I know I will be more empowered !! Xxx.
Hi Ang, mindfulness, like any skill definitely does get easier and easier over time with practice. Thanks so much for your comment and wishing you all the best : )
Once we do achieve that inner moment-to-moment awareness, it’s amazing how much choice we end up having. If I choose to be happy, then I become happy. I would never believe it myself if i didnt experience it. But it does come from trust and quietness and stillness first. Then I have room to grow.
when someone undermines me or some bad thing happen tomeh again then i start doubting myself. Like whether im capable or not?
Hi thank you so much for sharing such a great tips to over come negative thoughts.. I have been suffering these kind of ill thoughts leading to social anxiety, low self esteem, little pleasure in doing things, less motivation and depression.
I have changed jobs after jobs to coz of this I have consulted doctor and awaiting face to face counselling to start, I have openly told my wife who is a strong character and supportive woman in my life.
I am starting a new job tomorrow and start practicing your tips from day one to observe my negative thinking and being aware of my negative thoughts and not to act accordingly.
am a strong believer of one GOD and I hope he protects me and makes me feel better and also bless me and the whole world to be motivated and be inspired to do good things and think positive.
Thank You so much for Blogging this wonderful information. I have been fighting the negative thoughts for a long time and also the negative emotions as well. With your 4 Keys that you have talked about I can now watch and see what causing the reactions that I have. I have to remind myself that it will take time and it is not one of these things that if fixed over night.
But Time will help me a lot. Thank You again for taking the time and fore sharing with folks about what you went through and how to help others.
My pleasure Rebecca. I’m so glad you found this helpful. May it bring you as much inner freedom and contentment as it has brought me. All the best for 2015 : )
Hi Princess,
I am a teen struggling with basically the same as you did/do, and I can’t wait to try out your method. I feel a lot more trusting receiving advice from people who have similar morals (not caring about body image rather than saying you need to change your body so people wont judge you etc) and want to thank you for holding on when it will have been so tough to just have let go of life and give in . Thank you for your sakes and oursakes for being alive and living this beautiful, majestic, magical day. After all, you are good enough. We all are.
Peace out, Sophie
Hi Sophie and thank you for such a beautiful comment. Please do let me know how you go applying this. It works. Just keep at it and if you combine it with mindfulness practice you’ll get even better results. Also check out this post on dealing with difficult emotions. I think you’ll like it http://mrsmindfulness.com/mindfulness-for-negative-emotions/
I find that I am often able to catch negative thoughts, but this also happens when I’m conversing with people. So, if someone asks me, “what are you thinking?”, I have no ‘constructive’ response just then. It takes me a pause in order to rearrange the negative thought; which if I look at closely, isn’t true whatsoever…. so I get a little worried that the time it takes to catch, examine, and re-direct… doesn’t really help me in that moment. I know people say think before you speak, but do you have any other suggestions on what to do if we can’t take as much time to do this introspection?
It take s time and practice to become more and more aware of what is arising in our internal landscape. I don’t think its uncommon for people to take some time to redirect attention inside to see what is there. We mostly have our attention very much in the external world so don’t worry – your not alone!
Mindfulness meditation practice will help you become more self aware if you want to give it a go.
All the best and happy 2015
I’m so glad I’ve found this article.It is true that once you’ve realized and acknowledged all your negative emotions it would be a good start to help battle it out.Overcoming negative thinking by putting in positive ones can be hard at first, but definitely worth it at the very end.This is really helpful.
I’m glad it’s been a benefit to you William : )
I have been involved with a woman (about a year and a half now), who continually lies to me. I didn’t realize it until I was head over heels for her. Every time I think that she has changed, she does it to me again. I’m trying to let go and move on, but I can’t get her out of my head. I think of her constantly. My thoughts are obsessed with constantly trying to figure out the whys and ifs and whens. Our entire relationship began under an umbrella of deceit. How do I stop thinking about this situation long enough to allow myself to get past it, so I can once and for all let this woman go?
This may hurt but it sounds like the only person that is lying to you is yourself. You deserve better than having been in a (bad) for so long. Prepare yourself through the advise of this column not to continue or fix this relationship but make some positive adjustments with yourself so the start of the next relationship is predicated on respect. Thoughts from a filicide survivor 🙂
Great Blog Post! Made notes while reading it. Thank you 🙂
I had an abusive childhood which caused me many many deep and long term emotional problems. After spending most my young adult life in and out of therapy I finally found Buddhism and meditation. I am now showing great improments though mindfulness. However, I have a hard time identifying and categorizing my negative thoughts in efforts to acknowledge them and address them.
Hi Martin,
It can be helpful to label thoughts but you don’t have to worry about it to much. If your not finding it helpful to label thoughts then just drop that part of the practice.
The main thing is that you observe thoughts/emotions and therefore dis-identify from them. As you watch the thoughts and emotions they lose their grip on you. They lose their power to ‘take you over’
In time you’ll find it easier and easier. You might gain from also reading this blog post about working with difficult emotions. Let me know how you go http://mrsmindfulness.com/mindfulness-for-negative-emotions/
Oh yes, can you keep your email on the comment you can also keep the number thankyou
This was exceptionally helpful, thank you. I have struggled with these cycles of destructive negativity for years, affecting relationships, work and my own capacity to feel happy. I think that having read this I can start on my own journey to learn how to be happy again, grateful for all that I have and have achieved, and not dwell constantly on the loss, grief and trauma. So, truly, thank you!
Hey Beno, seeing this comment made my day. I’m so glad this post has been helpful after your challenges. I’m pleased to be with you on your journey. Wishing you all the best my friend.
I often feel negative about sharp things around me and make me feel uncomfortable…….Why?
Hi Salman. We all have our different fears and worries. Sometimes the reason is apparent and other times we don’t know it. What is important and helpful is not necessarily understanding the ‘why’ but instead asking ourselves ‘how’. How do we want to relate to the thoughts and emotions that are arising in the present moment?
We can choose new ways of relating to difficult thoughts and emotions. We can respond to them mindfully. Give this article a read as well. It will teach you how to deal with negative emotions mindfully and gain a new perspective on the negativity as it arises. http://mrsmindfulness.com/mindfulness-for-negative-emotions/
I hope this is helpful : )
Thanks for the reference article, I have read this article many time and it was really very helpful and it help me to realize that I am not my fear and I have to be more generous toward my negative emotion rather than fight back.
As I was trap in the negativity for quite long (more than 5 years) so it is very persistent within me, but I have to take care of it and Insh Allah soon this wounded part will be recovered fully.
Can you guide further in this regard.
Thanks again 🙂
Hi Salman, yes, you are not your fear! You are not your negative emotions, but still, we all need to learn to work more skilfully when these difficult emotions and thoughts arise. The best advice i could ever give you my friend, is to go ahead an begin learning the practice of mindfulness. Begin a daily practice even if it is only short (10 or 15 mins a day) and you will get better and better able to handle the challenges of life (both inner and outer ones). The best way to learn would be to find a local course or retreat to learn with a skilled teacher. Where do you live? Is these a way you can learn locally?
Or perhaps you could simply begin with the free meditations i provide upon signup to my newsletter. there are also some cool apps out there you could try. go for it!
Thanks again, well I live in Karachi, Pakistan and I don’t know anyone in my locality who can teach in this regard, however I am trying myself to get rid of this negative feelings.
I will try your meditation from now onward and hope to get your guidance as well 🙂
Thank you so much. amazing article. scientific and to the core of the problem. I’ve been suffering from low esteem, harsh critisizing myself, overthinking, negative thinking, aiming for perfection, a lot of anxiety. Mainly low self esteem. I feel that I need a lot of support from my family. How can I ask them to support me? also I dont feel happy at all when I achieve things. I find it so ordinary and my brain is just so focused on the next target. any advise on how to stop thinking this way?
Hii, I am also In a situation of negative thinking all the time and I will surely try out this method but I am a little confused in the choosing constructive or destuctive thoughts part, what exactly I have to do in that part. Please help me out.
Hi, Wasim. I find one way to really generate constructive thoughts rather than destructive ones is to first of all notice if i am ruminating or worrying. I use the label and let go technique which you can read about here http://mrsmindfulness.com/how-to-overcome-worry-anxiety-for-good/
That gives me a way or recognising and stepping back from the thoughts i was caught up in.
Then to generate a more constructive approach to a situation or problem I ask myself ‘high quality questions’ to change my thinking and how i feel as well.
Questions such as ‘How could i approach this situation in a way that will energise me and nurture me?’ or ‘How could i see this situation in a new light or perspective’ or ‘What am i truly grateful for in my life right now?’ or also ‘What could i do today to make myself and others feel loved and supported?’
Then let the answers come!
These kinds of questions re-orient the mind and generate new kinds of thoughts, new perspectives and new ways of responding to life. Keep practicing this every time you find yourself feeling stuck in negativity and you’ll feel more and more empowered every day.
I hope this is helpful. Please feel free to ask more questions if you’d like more clarity and support : )
Thanks so much for sharing some key tips. It feels refreshing getting a new sense of hope for my negative thinking. One question i have, i keep hearing that i should not try to fight or push negative thoughts and as you said be an impartial observer, but how exactly can i do that? how can i do it practically? can you give me an example so that i can apply it to myself?
Thanks…even i m goinh thru something like dis…unsure n confused most of d timez..worrying has become a habit , hp i can practice to overcone dis
My pleasure honey. I truly hope it helps. If worry in particular is being a pain in the bum then read this one too http://mrsmindfulness.com/how-to-overcome-worry-anxiety-for-good/
Let me know if you need any further clarification or questions : )
Hi Sarah, your so welcome. I hope these 3 keys help you to live a more peaceful, contented and happy life. Let me know how you go!
Dear Melli
Thank you so much I so enjoy your input and wisdom. I am very grateful that you share yourself with us all
Love Kathryn
What a lovely article. Thank you so much
Thank you for posting this! It helps so much coming from a person who has knowledge of the issue, the reason why, and how to fix are very important to me, i can’t just use a technique and put it into place. I’ve tried everything and this is the best for me!
Hi,
I read this post around a week ago. I’ve been consumed by nagatuve thoughts and as you say prisoner of my own mind. I often spend so much time in my own head, the thoughts become so over whelming they make me question my whole life and sometimes I act on the emotion and make irrational decisions, but my 10 year relationship to the father of my children suffers the most.
I’ve practised your steps everyday since I read the post, I feel so much different I’m already managing to avoid negative thoughts from becoming anything more.
I’m looking to try some meditation as some negative thoughts are not always as easy to move away from then others but I’m finding the naming the thoughts really helpful, this has helped me identify a recurring pattern ie I’m a terrible mam, I don’t think my relationship is right, I’m frightened of getting old the list goes on.
Im making some lasting changes, my relationship has been brilliant , I feel so close and at ease. It’s still a working progress but I feel I have gained some control over my own mind and life again.
Thanks for your help
I had so many ‘a ha’ moments reading this- even though I have been studying and practicing mindfulness for a long time – thank you so much for all you do and your clarity in explaining such incredibly helpful and deep teachings.
Much love
hi…your article seemed so good ..it helps a lot when i read this…
A very interesting article. I seem to be trapped with negative thoughts for a while now and am trying to change my thinking patterns over the last year. Some has worked but as you would probably hear its easy to go back to negative thoughts as its an easy thing to do. Being positive is so much harder but I can see how being positive is so much more rewarding to my own life. My girlfriend recently broke off our relationship after talk of love, moving in and marriage. I was (well probably still am) heartbroken over this and will use your techniques to help me through this process. Any other support or advice you may have I will be greatly appreciated.