Do you struggle with negative thinking? Maybe you have a harsh inner critic that crushes your confidence? Perhaps you get caught in worry, stress, anxiety, depression? Or have a pessimistic view of life?
If that sounds like you, then you probably know how painful the effects can be. Negative (unhelpful) thinking patterns can have a strong and sometimes devastating impact on us. Clouding our mood, straining our relationships and draining our vitality. Creating a burden on our health, our work… really all aspects of our lives. Overcoming negative thinking – it’s not as easy as just pushing negative thoughts away and replacing them with positive ones. (If it were that simple, we would all be on cloud nine, wouldn’t we?) So, while we often know it’s happening to us, we don’t always know what to do about it.
If you’re new to my world, you may not know this – before I became a mental strength and mindfulness teacher I was in some pretty dark places with my thinking. I battled bulimia and depression throughout my teens. My mind became my own worst enemy and I ended up hating myself and even questioning whether it was worth continuing to live. What helped me turn things around, little by little, was cultivating the skills to turn mental struggles into mental strength. And so, it’s something I care about sharing with all my heart.
Learn mental strength
In this article, I’ll help you to recognise what the common negative thinking patterns are, explain why it’s happening to you, and cover the evidence-based keys to rising above it. I can tell you from my own experience that no matter where you are starting from, it is possible to turn things around, cultivate mental strength, and live a more happy, meaningful and fulfilling life. It’s not about learning how to stop negative thoughts; it’s about changing the way we relate to our thoughts. As well as training our minds to work in more empowering and helpful ways.
With The Four Keys, some persistence and practice, I believe anyone can break free of being stuck in mental struggles for good. I now spend my life teaching other people the skills and tools that turned my life around. These skills are all evidence-based and have worked for me and thousands of others. I trust these tools will work for you too.
In this article
- What is negative thinking and why is it so painful?
- The four types of negative thinking patterns
- Why do we experience negative thought patterns?
- The Four Keys are not about learning how to stop negative thoughts, but how to transmute them.
- Key 1. Recognize negative thoughts and let them go
- Key 2. Practice self-compassion
- Key 3. Take in the good
- Key 4. Steer your focus
- How long does it take to overcome negative thoughts?
Article updated February 2022
What is negative thinking and why is it so painful?
Negative thought patterns are repetitive, unhelpful thoughts. They directly cause what we could describe as ‘negative’ (unwanted or unpleasant) emotions. And can contribute to anxiety, depression, stress, fear, unworthiness, loss of confidence and more.
Some negative thoughts are conscious. That is, we are aware of them.
Other thoughts are negative unconscious thoughts. These are thoughts, words or images that often run in the background of our awareness, in our subconscious. Even though we may not be fully aware of these thought patterns, they still can have a profound impact on us. Often these thoughts stem from our internal belief systems and our old conditioning.
Negative thinking is often conversational. It’s a conversation we have with ourselves mentally, but it can also impact the way we speak out loud to others. It can also be situational. It can skew the way we anticipate situations, the way we view and experience them in the present moment and the way we interpret them afterwards.
The Weight of the Glass
A professor teaching stress management principles walks around an auditorium. In her hand, is a glass of water. She asks her students, “How heavy is the glass of water I’m holding?” The students shout out their guesses. She smiles and replies. “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass doesn’t matter. What does, is how long I hold it for. If I hold it for a minute or two, it feels quite light. If I hold it for an hour or so, it’s going to make my arm really start to ache. If I hold it for a whole day, my arm will be in agonizing pain, and would probably start shaking before going completely numb and I’ll drop the glass. In each case, the glass doesn’t change. The heaviness depends on how long I hold it.”
She continues “Your stresses and worries are like this glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing much happens. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely overwhelmed by negativity and anxiety and you may even become paralysed. Incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”
So, in this way, we can begin to understand that it’s not the negative thoughts themselves that are the biggest part of our problem. It’s how long we are carrying them.
The four big types of negative thinking patterns
Anxiety and Worry
“My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened”. ~ Michel de Montaigne
Worry is when the mind projects into an imagined future and conjures up scenes and thoughts about what could go wrong. Here it often creates ‘what if’ scenarios and often slips into catastrophizing – that is, imagining the worst-case scenarios.
Sometimes worry and anxiety takes the form of imagining or expecting that bad things will happen. To us, our loved ones, career or finances. So we can end up feeling a huge amount of anxiety even if nothing bad is actually happening at that moment.
If that’s you, you may also find yourself thinking a lot of “I should, I need to, I have to” type of thoughts. Or running through the to-do list over and over again until you feel overwhelmed and stressed.
Anxiety and stress disorders can result when we hold onto stressful and worrying thoughts too tightly and for too long. Some of us can experience panic attacks. A feeling of intense anxiousness that produces feelings of dread and doom. Anxiety can cause physical symptoms, like heart palpitations, hyperventilation, insomnia and trembling. The latest data on anxiety disorders reveals they impact 40 million adults in the United States alone.
Ruminating on mistakes
Ruminating on mistakes, problems and misfortunes from the past often creates a heavy load of negativity. We may play ‘bad’ choices, ‘wrong’ actions or embarrassing moments over and over in our minds. Like that thing you wish you didn’t say at the party. Or the mistake you made five years ago that you won’t let go of.
When we’re stuck in a thought loop about what we’ve done in the past, we can’t fully embrace the present moment, nor move forward into the future with confidence and strength. This pattern can keep us stuck in cycles of feeling worthless, guilty or ashamed.
There is nothing innately wrong with reflecting on past experiences. This is how we can learn, grow and mature as people. Negativity only arises when we dwell on a situation repeatedly without any true intention to learn, solve things or move forward. Rumination ends up feeling more like just punishing ourselves. We wish things were different and we beat ourselves up about it. Like holding the weight of the glass for too long, rumination can end up causing us agonising inner pain and hold us back from being our best selves and living our best lives.
Self-criticism and never feeling good enough
We all have a voice in our heads. It talks to us all day long in the form of constant thoughts. Sometimes this voice is helpful. Alerting us to things that we can do to achieve our goals or solve problems. But often, this inner voice is our own worst enemy. Sometimes it’s a downright bully! Constantly putting us down, telling us we are not enough. That self-critical voice raises doubts, points out our flaws and questions the way we are living our lives.
Most of us would never speak to someone else the way we speak to ourselves. Our inner critic can be incredibly harsh and mean. When we make a mistake or have a setback, it often goes into overdrive. Bringing even more suffering to an already difficult time.
All this negative self-talk and self-criticism can crush our confidence, shatter our self-esteem and make us feel unworthy and unhappy. Sometimes, we can feel so debilitated by these feelings we become depressed or even suicidal.
Sometimes self-criticism can be disguised as self-improvement. While there is nothing wrong with having goals and improving our circumstances, it’s a different headspace when the motivation is that we don’t feel like we’re ‘enough’ as we are. In this state, we’re constantly pushing our body and mind to the limits – trying to ‘be someone’ in the eyes of the world. When we’re chasing achievements, trying to attain status, and recognition for these reasons, we’re actually just trying to compensate for feeling ‘not good enough’ feelings. This path leads to burnout and emptiness eventually.
The path to feeling true self-worth is through releasing those thoughts that tell you are deficient and need to prove yourself. By doing this, you can learn to feel whole and live an authentic and meaningful life right where you are.
Focus on the negative and fixating on problems
Negative thoughts often revolve around stewing on what’s going wrong in our lives. Our attention becomes fixated on, and often exaggerates, the difficult or unpleasant aspects of situations, people and events. Here our minds will often downplay or overlook what’s going well in life and put the majority of focus on what’s not.
For example, you may have a wonderful family, food to eat, a great job and a safe and cosy home. But when your car breaks down, it’s all you can think about and focus on all week long. All week you are frustrated, angry and depressed because of the car. You allow the situation with the car to dominate your thinking and negative emotions arise as a result. Forgetting about all the great things you love about your life.
When we’re so absorbed in what’s wrong, we’re unable to notice what’s right. Rather than allowing our focus to expand into what is going well at the same time, we remain only with what isn’t. Zeroing in and dwelling on unpleasant situations make us feel greater levels of stress, unhappiness, frustration, anxiety and negativity in daily life.
Why do we experience negative thought patterns?
This tendency for the human mind to focus on the negative is completely normal (it’s not just you). It is caused by what is known as the brain’s ‘negativity bias.’
Say you do a presentation at work and everyone in your team has to give you feedback. If five people give great compliments on your work, but one person criticises it, which feedback do you think you’ll remember most? Which one might keep you up at night ruminating? Let’s face it, most likely the criticism. That focus on criticism is very normal, and it’s not your fault. It gets highlighted in your mind because of the negativity bias.
This bias has been hard-wired into the human brain through evolution. In early times, the world was a dangerous place. It was important for us to learn from negative experiences so that we could outwit predators and avoid threats around us. These were real and thinking about all the possible ‘go wrongs’ kept us safe.
Your brain registers negative experiences very quickly, highlighting and storing them in memory. It doesn’t really care how you’re going to feel about it later. It’s in ‘survival first’ mode.
Today, we don’t live in a world where there are constant dangers like there were thousands of years ago. But our brains still operate the same way. We overinflate and hold on to negative things even when our lives don’t depend on it. The problem with the negativity bias for us these days is that over the long term we can develop a growing tendency to be pessimistic, stressed and negative. The good news is, we don’t have to resign ourselves to this. We can train our minds to adopt more empowering and uplifting thinking patterns.
The four keys are not about learning how to stop negative thoughts, but how to transmute them.
People are often at a loss with how to stop negative thoughts from occurring. And this is part of the problem. They often try many different ineffective ways to get rid of their negative thoughts. This includes trying to push them away, distract themselves from them, ‘numbing,’ or ‘drowning their sorrows.’ Only to later find themselves still stuck, and even sinking deeper in negativity. Research shows that while struggling or arguing with, trying to drown out or push away negative thoughts may give short term relief; it only amplifies them over the long term. And actually, makes things worse. Hence the saying, what we resist persists.
What is absolutely critical, and something a lot of people miss is that you can’t just replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. If we could do that, everyone would be okay. Overcoming negativity is about changing the way that we relate to our thoughts, as well as being able to steer our focus in more helpful ways.
It’s also important to note that you should not view The Four Keys I’m going to share with you as a ‘quick fix.’ Although you may get some immediate relief by using these tools, overcoming negative thinking for good is going to take a little practice and persistence on your part. But it’s well worth the investment of your time and effort. As you shed negative thinking, you’ll feel better, unlock more of your potential and live a happier, healthier and more meaningful life.
Once you understand what causes negative thinking and learn to apply the four following mental skills, you can start to shift from mental struggle to mental strength and transform the quality of your life from the inside out.
Key One: Recognise Negative Thoughts and let them go (Mindfulness)
The first key to overcoming negative thinking is to practice being the observer of our thoughts rather than being ‘hooked’ by them. Once we learn to recognise and ‘unhook’ from negative thoughts as they arise, we become free from any impact they may have had on us.
How do we get stuck in negative thinking? About cognitive fusion
What do I mean by getting ‘hooked’ by thoughts? A strong attachment (getting hooked to) our thoughts is known as ‘cognitive fusion.’ When we are fused with our thoughts, we tend to get stuck in them. We tend to take thoughts very, very seriously. We believe them. We buy into them. And we will often play them out.
For example, imagine you wake up one day, and when you look out the window, you see it’s raining. At that moment a thought may come into your head that says, “what a dreadful day.” Now is it true that the day is dreadful? No, of course not! It’s simply raining. However, if you believe that thought, then guess what you will probably have? That’s right, you will probably have a dreadful day! If you get fused to a thought like that, it will probably generate negative feelings like grumpiness, bitterness or resentment.
So, we don’t need to know how to stop negative thoughts. The problem is not that we have negative thoughts. The problem comes when we get hooked by our thoughts and believe our thoughts are true.
Getting unstuck. The process of cognitive defusion
The process of unhooking from, or ‘stepping back from’ thoughts is called ‘cognitive defusion.’ When we are no longer stuck in thoughts, they lose their power to pull us into unpleasant emotions, make us reactive or hold us back in any way.
Cognitive defusion allows us to see thoughts as simply that – thoughts. Merely snippets of sound and language. Mental events moving through the mind all the time. Just like the weather passes through the sky. Not ‘the truth’ or ‘the way things are’ Just a bunch of words going through the mind.
Once we see thoughts as mental events, we don’t take them so seriously. We don’t automatically believe or obey them. If we find them valuable or helpful, we might pay attention to them or act on them. If we don’t, we just let them go. We begin to shift our whole relationship with thoughts. Holding them lightly means we are not so thrown around or affected by them.
Let’s go back to the example of the rain. Imagine you’re lying in bed again, and you look out and you see that it’s raining. Once again, the thought arises “what a dreadful day”. Instead of buying into that thought, you simply observe it. You watch the thought “what a dreadful day” arise and fall away. And since you don’t attach to it, take it seriously or believe it, it generates no negativity and passes by easily. You’re left free to lay there relaxed and at peace, enjoying the pitter-patter of the rain on the roof.
As you can see, the ability to recognise unhelpful thinking and step back from it is incredibly liberating! It can change the quality of your whole day and indeed your whole life. It has mine.
The ‘name it to tame it’ technique for instant cognitive defusion
‘Name it to tame it’ is a very powerful, simple, tried and tested technique. It was developed by author and psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel to help us untangle from thoughts without struggling with them.
Here’s how you do it. When an unhelpful thought pattern arises, (or an associated negative emotion) we simply mentally ‘label’ the thought pattern and then we let it go.
For instance, as unhelpful thoughts pass by, you might say to yourself “ahhh negative thoughts arising” or you can even shorten it by just saying “thinking.” In this way, you unhook yourself from believing the thought and take a step back from it. It’s almost like saying to the thought “I see you! I see what you’re up to!”
You can even bring in a little bit of humour and have fun with this. Mentally, noting something like “ahhh radio doom and gloom is playing again” or “dark clouds of thought alert!”
So, after we mentally note, we let it go. By ‘let it go’ I mean to stop giving it your full attention. Instead, shift your mind back to what is happening in the present moment and give that your focus. Tune into your sense perceptions, what you can feel, see, or smell.
As soon as we name the mental pattern, and shift the focus back to the present moment, we’ve initiated cognitive defusion! If you like to geek out on neuroscience, the act of naming thoughts kicks in the smartest part of the brain, the frontal cortex. The frontal cortex is reflective and helps you zoom out with greater perspective.
The way you name it matters
One important thing to note with ‘name it to tame it’. Make sure that when you mentally note you’re using a soothing, kind and even playful tone of voice. This helps you to soothe your nervous system and invite compassion and resilience into that moment instead of aggression or struggle. We’re not going to battle with the mind here. We are gently training it into new neural pathways of peace and ease. At a biological level, when you ‘name it to tame it’ in a soothing voice you even get a squirt of soothing neurotransmitters in the brain! This brings feelings of calm, ease and comfort.
Mindfulness
“Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.” ~ James Thurber
Just beneath the waves of our thoughts, emotions and conditioning, there is a deep ocean of awareness in each one of us. A source of calm, wisdom, compassion and incredible inner strength. It is always available to us as a place of refuge. Mindfulness is the practice of cultivating that awareness.
Through mindfulness, we build our capacity to stay grounded in that greater awareness, instead of being so caught up in, and tossed around by, the surface waves of thoughts and emotion.
Regular mindfulness meditation is the best way to build the muscle of mindfulness. There’s a free meditation audio you can try for yourself below. Meditation has been shown to decrease stress, depression and anxiety. People who practice meditation report higher overall levels of satisfaction with life than others. In fact, Harvard researcher and psychologist Matt Killingsworth found what makes people most happy is being fully present in the moment. He says the more our minds wander, the more unhappy we become. There is so much power in this simple practice. On top of regular meditation practice, you can also use the following simple practice to bring it with you into your daily life.
The three-breath pause: a mindfulness practice for daily life.
One simple yet very powerful way to bring mindfulness into your daily life is through using the three breath pause technique.
The three-breath pause can help you find your calm centre and inner strength in any moment in life.
A good analogy for the power of this practice can be found in bullfighting. It is believed that in the midst of the bullfight, the bull can find his own particular area of safety in the arena…his querencia. Once there, he can reclaim his wits and find his strength and power. He may only be there for a few seconds – but those seconds make all the difference.
As long as the matador can keep the bull busy, reactive and stressed continuously, that matador stays in control. But when the bull finds querencia, when he finds his centre, he gathers his strength and focus. From the matador’s perspective, at this point, the bull is truly dangerous, as he has taken his power back. The matador is no longer in control.
This is a great metaphor for how we can find our centre through the practice of the mindful three breath pause. In the arena of our daily life, we can often find ourselves stuck in our mental struggles, consumed by busyness and stress. Thrown around by reactivity. This can affect every aspect of our lives. Our relationships and health can suffer, our mood plummets, and we don’t perform as well at work.
In the same way, a bull takes back his power by pausing to gather himself and tap into his inner strength, so can we.
Give it a try
Whenever you feel reactive, overwhelmed or just need some more calm in the midst of all the crazy, you too can find your centre and proceed with greater awareness and clarity of mind. All it takes is to pause and centre yourself with three, deep, slow mindful breaths. Even if you’re right in the middle of the ‘ring’ of stress and reactivity.
As you take the three breaths, let your full attention rest on the feeling of the breath coming in and out of your body. Pay close attention to every sensation, and let any other thoughts fall away for these moments.
Key Two: Practice self-compassion
Imagine if we met for the first time. And I started our conversation by saying, “I don’t know why you’re even trying to overcome negative thinking. You’ll never change. You look like someone who doesn’t follow through with anything.”
No doubt if I spoke to you that way it wouldn’t feel very nice. It’s pretty demoralising. And not just that, but you most likely would not want to listen to me anymore because it doesn’t feel helpful or healthy to be spoken to that way!
Of course, I would never talk to you that way in reality. But how often do we talk to ourselves like that? This inner critic actually forms the core for much of our inner struggles and stress. Now here’s the thing, this kind of negative self-talk is not a sign of any deficiency on your part or anything strange about you, it’s a sign of having a normal human mind.
The human mind is a survival machine
For our caveman ancestors, life was very difficult and dangerous. In order to survive, you had to stay in the tribe. If you got kicked out it wouldn’t be long before a predator or starvation got hold of you. And so, fitting in with the group, having the approval of the rest of the tribe was essential to our survival.
So how does the mind function to keep you in the tribe? It’s constantly questioning – am I fitting in? Am I special enough? Am I good enough? Am I doing anything that could get me rejected? It also compares us to everyone else in the tribe constantly to see how we are measuring up. Driven by an impulse to make sure we get approval, the inner critic comes in and demands us to be better ‘like the prettier, smarter, more successful or stronger ones.“ It pushes us, bullies us, criticises us. It tells us we’re not enough. All in an attempt to keep us safe.
Ancient brains in a modern world
The problem is, now we don’t live in tribes, and through technology and media we are now comparing ourselves to a huge number of people all over the world. Images that depict impossible standards of airbrushed and hyped up perfection. These days we are being bombarded with these kinds of images through the media and advertising. When we’re constantly scrolling and surfing, we see images of people who seem more attractive, more happy, more fun, more successful than us. It’s easy to feel like we aren’t measuring up, not enough, not worthy. And then we can often tip into anxiety or depression. In fact, the rise in social media has been shown to be one of the probable reasons for a huge surge in depression around the world. Presently 1 in 5 people in the United States are diagnosed with depression.
From self-criticism to self-compassion
The most powerful skill to unwind the inner critic and cultivate inner peace is the skill of self-compassion. Self-compassion involves training our inner critic to be more like a kind and supportive inner coach. Now, usually, when people first hear about self-compassion they have hesitations. Why? Many people believe that if they don’t crack the whip with harsh self-talk, they won’t be motivated to make changes and reach goals. However, research shows just the opposite. Self-limiting and self-critical thoughts sap our motivation and initiative. Whereas self-compassion and kindness increase them. When we learn to be kinder to ourselves we also become more resilient to challenges and stress. We’re more productive and able to overcome bad habits and addiction. And have more fulfilling relationships with others.
How to ease the voice of the inner critic and develop self-compassion
Start by practising self-talk that sounds warm, friendly and kind. The way we speak to ourselves can often be incredibly harsh. Especially if something has gone wrong or we made a mistake. Let your inner voice take on the tone of a supportive friend or coach.
If you catch yourself sounding unfriendly, see if you can take a pause and change the tone. Say kind and encouraging things to yourself like, “Good on you for giving that a go honey,” or, “That was a very kind/honest/good thing you did mate,” or, “Hey, it’s okay, you did your best.” If you don’t find terms of endearment like ‘honey’ or ‘mate’ useful then of course just drop them and find your own way with this.
When you’re having a hard time, try talking to yourself the way you would speak to a loved one who is hurting. Say soothing words to yourself. Like, “It’s ok, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. You’re human,” or, “Take it easy darling,” or, “Oh this is a tricky moment. May I be kind to myself in this tough time.”
Do the things that nourish you
Part of self-compassion is being a caretaker of your own needs. Another way to practice self-compassion is through your actions. Try focusing on doing more things that nourish you, feed your soul and genuinely make you happy rather than doing things to ‘make it in the eyes of the world’ or to get ‘likes’, approval or status in the eyes of others.
It could be helpful to make a list of the things that recharge the batteries, relax and rejuvenate you. The things that light you up, bring you joy and feed the soul. Some examples of nourishing things are:
- being in nature
- slowing down
- surfing, yoga, biking or another sport you love
- going for a walk
- having a cup of tea in the sun
- gardening, painting or other hobbies
- spending time with a pet or loved one
- meditation or contemplation time
- reading a book
What can you do today, this week, this month to nourish yourself? Instead of always pushing yourself, can you make time to care for yourself and enjoy yourself? Yes, you deserve it.
Key Three: Take in the good
We can retrain the brain’s tendency towards negative thoughts (negativity bias). How we do that is through a process developed by neuropsychologist and author Rick Hanson called ‘taking in the good.’ But why do we need to put a focus on retraining the brain? Let’s first look at some of the science around the negativity bias, so you can understand how strong it can be:
- Human minds remember and react more to negative stimuli than positive ones.
- Our minds are like ‘teflon’ for good experiences, they slide right out! In other words, we don’t pay attention to them or remember them well. But when it comes to bad experiences, our minds are like velcro – they stick! We tend to over-focus on bad experiences. We can overlook the great things about our partner, our bodies, our lives, our jobs and we focus mostly on what’s wrong.
- This can lead to skewed perception where all that is bad in our lives is highlighted and all that is good is dimmed. We grow a sense of dissatisfaction, negativity, pessimism, sadness and grumpiness.
By the process of taking in the good, we can cultivate the ability to pay attention to the pleasant aspects of our lives. This can help us arrive at a sense of balance when our brain’s negativity bias has us so intent on searching for problems.
Taking In the Good techinique
1. Deliberately seek out and pay attention to good experiences each day
This is not about ‘positive thinking per se, it’s about noticing your direct experiences as you go about the day. Like pausing to appreciate the beauty in your garden or savouring the taste of your tea. It might mean really appreciating the warmth of your blankets at night or the sound of the rain. What are some good aspects in your life that you don’t usually notice? What is beautiful that you can appreciate and enjoy and savour as you go about your day?
2. Once you have opened up to noticing the good, stay with it and savour it
To set down new neural pathways to balance the negativity bias, stay with each good experience for at least 5 seconds, preferably 20 if possible. Again, this is not about positive thinking. This is about placing your focus on your direct experience. So that you can really enjoy it. Open up to the body sensations, feelings and all that is happening in the moment. Drink in the good experience letting it fill your body and mind.
3. Lastly, bring your intention to deliberately absorbing the experience
Have a sense of really appreciating the experience with a sense of gratitude. And setting the intention to take the good feelings with you into your memory and your being. Rick Hanson calls this letting it sink into you. You can also visualise this part if it helps. For instance, placing a beautiful picture of the memory inside an imaginary locket. Or imagining the experience lighting up your heart like a warm glow. Or perhaps seeing the sweetness of the feeling pour into you the way honey runs into a jar.
Every time you do this, it will be like doing a rep in the gym to make your mind more positive. And over time those little differences will add up, gradually gearing the mind to be naturally more happy, grateful and mentally strong.
Key Four: Take your focus back
Steering our focus takes us from noticing and letting go of our thoughts, to being an active participant in changing our focus. This is particularly helpful with very “sticky” thoughts that are not so easy to let go of in the previous steps. When you notice a big roadblock within yourself or you’re experiencing heavy thoughts that feel difficult to work with, try this method.
You can steer your focus in two ways. The first is to ask a ‘helpful question for unhelpful thoughts.’ Secondly, you can ask yourself a question to ‘choose a more empowering focus.’ The questions below have mostly been drawn from ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy). You can use one or some of these questions to support you to unhook from unhelpful thinking and shift your focus. Ask them, and then answer them mentally to yourself. Usually you would just pick one of these at any given time but you can also do a ‘one-two-punch’ of one question from each category. Perhaps print these out so you have them somewhere handy. Once you know them well enough by heart that you can draw on them from memory when you need them.
Helpful questions for unhelpful thoughts
- Is this thought in any way useful or helpful?
- Is it true? (Can I absolutely know that it’s true)
- Is this just an old story that my mind is playing out of habit?
- Does this thought help me take effective action in any way?
- Is this thought helpful or is my mind just babbling on?
Then you can (mentally) ask these questions below to create a new focus and new possibilities. These questions will help you focus on constructive thoughts and actions and help you effectively face your day-to-day challenges and move towards living a more meaningful life.
Again, you may only use one of these at a time but you could always try more than one too.
Choose a more empowering focus
- What is the truth? My deepest truth?
- What do I really want to feel or create in this situation? How can I move towards that?
- How can I make the best of this situation?
- Who would I be without this thought?
- What new story or thought can I focus on now?
- How can I see this in a different or new way?
- What can I be grateful for in this present moment?
With these powerful questions, you can change the focus of your mind from being stuck in negativity to being focused on what is nourishing, uplifting and empowering. They will also help you take constructive action and move towards living a more meaningful life.
These questions help you appreciate what’s going well and puts problems in perspective. When times get tough they can help you stay calm and clear-headed. You’re more able to deal with things in a practical, efficient way.
It can take courage and humility to question our thoughts and let go of certain stories in the mind, but our willingness to do so will be equal to our feelings of happiness, inner strength and peace of mind.
How long does it take to overcome negative thoughts?
My honest answer is, I don’t know. Because it depends on so many different things. It depends on how much time you give to practising these Four Keys. How often you can practice them in your daily life. How much you are able to embody them.
Just like you can’t expect to turn into Arnold Schwarzenegger just by going to the gym a couple of times, you can’t expect to suddenly gain perfect mental strength just by applying these tools a couple of times. To become fitter and stronger the main thing is to work out consistently and keep at it. So it’s more about having the faith and persistence to keep practicing these skills over time. As well as being patient with yourself and the process until you become mentally stronger.
Every time you use these skills is one more step away from being stuck in negative thinking and one move towards being mentally strong. Every step is a little win and a moment to give yourself a pat on the back.
From my own experience, mindfulness is the most crucial aspect of the change from struggle to strength. And since you’ve read all the way here to the end, I know it’s probably really important to you to make that change.
I also know this has probably been a lot to take in, so to get you started, here is my recommended four-step plan to begin the path to change.
Four steps to start
- Begin to meditate for at least 15 minutes or more each day. Stick with it for at least 30 days to feel the effect.
- Set an alarm 2 times per day to stop and take in something good around you.
- Print out the helpful questions and empowering focus questions and put them somewhere prominent or make them your phone home screen or computer home screen until you can remember them easily.
- Make a pact to be a bit kinder to yourself. Print out my helpful reminder, and stick it on your bathroom mirror or anywhere prominent.
Get these starter tools in a printable PDF (no opt-in required)
Download the Tools
We are not all the same and we do not all have the same life circumstances. So, although these tools are powerful and potentially life-changing, they are not a panacea for everything and may not work the same for everyone. Negative thinking can come from a variety of sources including trauma, systematic oppression, and genuinely problematic life circumstances that need to change. Sometimes using these tools will not be the best solution or won’t be a complete solution on their own. Talking to a qualified therapist, taking action to change your circumstances, or standing up for your rights, values and needs may also need to be a part of a holistic solution for you to feel your best self again.
My hope is that these tools are a support for you in the tough times, a source of joy and contentment in daily life and that they help unlock your potential and passion so you can share your gifts with the world.
Free meditation audio
Here is a meditation you can use for overcoming negative thinking that incorporates all of the keys above.
P.S. If you enjoyed this post you may also find the post on How to Use Mindfulness to Overcome Negative Emotions helpful or The Mindful Way Through Loss and Heartbreak. A 4-Step Process and Free Meditation.
I’ve never read anything as fantastic as this, and I’m so pleased I did. It’s incredible, and it’s completely changed the way I think. Thank you for this useful blog!! – Nidra Nutrition
https://www.nidranutrition.com/
I am very happy to come across this write up and find it very helpful to me, thank you
This isn’t a lengthy piece but is worth more than a thousand pages put together. I have just begun the 7days program, it’s definitely going to transform my mind. This is good work, keep it up. Thank you
Melli
Thank-you very much you have helped me through a challenging time in my life. I appreciate the useful information and toolbox that I am putting into practice. I am looking forward to learning more and developing a happier Me. Sincere appreciation, Janet
I’ve never read any thing as good as this I’m so glad I found it it’s amazing it’s changed my way of thinking
I’ve looked upon a lot of articles regarding this topic, but I find that this is the best out of all of them. thank you for sharing this with all of us.
Hello, Thank You for sharing this information it is very helpful, and I pray that many other’s see this read it, and grow from it.
📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣📣To Whoever Reads This: THIS COURSE WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER!
Dear Melli,
I just want to thank you again for this resource. Your “4 Keys” are so informative and they prepare your mind for “right” thinking.
After completing the first two sessions of your seven day course I find it is already easier to recognize and deal with negative thoughts.
I had a job to do and you gave me the tools.
Thank you! 🙏
Well! I am going to express Gratitude. I am grateful for this article. Thank you very much. I have bookmarked this page and I expect to be returning to it often.
You are saving live here Melli!
Thank you again!
Thank you so much. This is so helpful for me right now and the future. 🦋💓
Thank you, your article is straightforward and genuinely helpful
These negative thought detangling patterns can accompany us throughout the day and ease the burden of long years of pointless struggle
Best of luck!
Thank you for this article, I have it bookmarked and I always come back to it when I feel I’m falling back on that negative pattern. It always helps me get back on track.
Thank you for that,
Erika
Loved your article…keep it up and bless you.
thank you mrsmindfulness for giving me wonderful information
This article has really helped me. I discovered it at the right time. Thanks.
This article was amazing! Well articulated, concise and provided valuable tips to be practiced immediately. For years I have struggled with depression, anxiety, laziness, and procrastination. Especially, from the time period of 2017 – 2019. However, this has been a glimmer of hope, as this entire year I have been focused on defeating this self-defeating mindset. I am more confident that I can finish this year strong and enter 2020 with a more purpose-driven mindset. This is the tool I desperately needed to practice having a calm mindset.
What an absolutely fantastic article. Effective techniques summarised brilliantly. Read several long books that don’t provide such usefully succinct information. This is going to help me and many others. Keep up the great work!
Melli,
I sit here for the first time in YEARS with hope. You have so constructively presented a hard to understand concept in a clear and concise way that seems attainable. I have a degree in psychology, I have been to ministers, classes, Law of Attraction groups, and counselors and never get what I just got here. I thank you from the bottom of my soul for sharing this info without greed….you gave it freely instead of saying “sign up and I’ll tell you”..I think you saved my life today. I have two children, yet I have had suicidal thoughts due to hopelessness until this. Only wish I were in Australia to attend a reatreat!!!!!!!
Hi,
Thank you. Your name and tag strategy worked perfectly for me. Yesterday i got into a verbal fight, and it was continuously replaying in my head with all possible variations. I was feeling tense from inside. Letting go feels like chipping my masculinity but i knew that whole outcome is not at all worthy. Now i have given a funny name to whole set of thought. Surprisingly saying that funny term makes me smile and thus more calm. Thank you again for giving me such a useful tool for life.
Just wanted to say thanks so much for this article, Melli. I am really struggling mentally with anxiety and depression at the moment, but I have saved the link to this article and intend to re-read it at least weekly, to remind myself how to deal with the negative thoughts.
As you mention above, I have found that, when an anxiety attack comes on, it is helpful to focus on my surroundings and the present moment; I make myself list things I can see, hear and feel, out loud if I can, and it does help calm me down.
Again, thanks for making your website and articles available to the public, I do find them helpful.
I have no words to thank you. The way you have written all this has actually let my mind learn while reading only and every morning before waking up from sleep I use to feel bitter taste in heart and today morning I reminded my mind oh just a thought which I labelled and I felt calm…. I hope after proper practising it will yield full results…
Thank you very much..
I just want to say, I read the whole article and practiced it for the past hour or so, and I experienced real freedom from my negative thoughts for the first time in a long time. I look at the window from my bed and everything is more pretty, beautiful even. It’s like I had this cloud lifted from my spirit and I can actually see now the things around me, the light reflections, the way the curtains float with the wind. Anyways I am overwhelmed with happiness and hopeful again, and I think you deserve a thank for that. So thank you.
I was up all night with the negative thoughts in my head. Then I read your article. It was up lifting and gave me hope. I will continue to read and practice the steps. Thank you!!
I was able to find good advice from your blog posts.
I simply wished to thank you so much yet again. I do not know what I would’ve undertaken without the points provided by you directly on that area of interest. It actually was an absolute alarming setting in my circumstances, but discovering the specialized avenue you managed the issue took me to cry over happiness. Now i’m happier for the help and in addition expect you know what a powerful job you’re accomplishing training the others all through your webpage. I am sure you have never got to know all of us.
Appreciate thiѕ post. Will try it out.
Thank you very much for this. God Bless you and your heart always.
Thank you for sharing.
After reading each and every step, i could feel inner healing every moment, i thank you for all this, am going to practice this for good results, and i hope it will be more helpful, cos all along i have been a prisoner for negative thoughts, thanks again!!!
I cannot thank you enough for the article post.Thanks Again. Will read on…
For as long as I remember negative thoughts have consumed all aspects of my life, I have just come across this as I was trying to find some answers,wow it opened up the possibility of having a peaceful life,I always fight my negative thoughts and all hell breaks loose up there, but the name and tame way of thinking truly has opened up a beautiful door,once I name what ever negative thought is there a little more space gets filled up with compassion, and compassion is followed by peace,then we all sit down and chat together,suddenly love joins in and before we know it there is a gathering of beautiful emotions,the negative is still there but slides a little further away each time,this is the first day of the rest of my life ,thankyou so much.
Hi Melli,
Thank you so much for sharing. Very point you wrote about our negative emotions is related to me. I have started to practice the techniques you mentioned to overcome this emotions.
For years I have been in my head and struggling with some very negative thoughts about myself and depression and has been hard to stop these processes. Reading this has opened up new ways of thinking for me and i hope to find some better more creative self awareness and peace of mind from all of my tangled destructive thought processing. Thank you
Interesting article…
I wouldn’t say that diversion or distraction is an ineffective approach, at least not in my experience. It all depends on our relationship to the thoughts whilst we’re doing diversion. If we are not allowing our thoughts to be there, then diversion will not be an effective process, at least not from my experience.
What causes the most suffering isn’t actually the thoughts or feelings but our desire to escape or try to control them. We have to go counter-intuitive and no longer wish to escape from them. When we approach our negative thoughts and feelings this way, we can transcend them and therefore heal.
It’s also important to not have any agenda tied to enjoyable activities. If we view them as tools to make us feel better, then we will tie unrealistic expectations to them and create a tense and regimental experience every time we immerse ourselves in our hobbies. This is hugely counter-productive as it will just create more suffering. A more useful approach would be to just do them for enjoyments sake, not because they’re going to help us overcome our negative experience.
As a result of allowing ourselves to be with the thoughts and feelings and immersing ourselves in the things we enjoy doing, how could this not create a healing experience which brings us back to emotional wellness?
Thanks
Thank you so much for your help, I honestly believe these will help me a lot! Lately, I’ve been so unhappy, and depressed and I just want to go back to being the happy and carefree person I once was. These techniques I am sure will help. Thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing.
My mind can be like a tennis match in a beehive sometimes.
I look forward to trying to apply some of these techniques, primarily Name it to Tame it, and growing my awareness of things like low self-esteem.
Hi. After 40 years in therapy my first glimpses of happiness are here! I asked for a simpler way to be kind to myself than what I was instructed to do in therapy and then the 4 keys found me!!
Thank u so much
it is really helpful, worth and thought provoking
thank u so much 😊
hi there
I have just read this article + have subscribed to your email updates. I am going to implement these 4 pillars immediately into my life + want to thank you for your tips on this blog.. many thanks x
How can I help someone that has negative thoughts about her brother Relating to how he has changed since he met his wife without sounding like I am not caring about her feelings.
I want to really appreciate the writer,ve been battling with negative taughts and wandering mind,but as soon as I read through,am now understanding myself better.Thanks so much
Looking forward to more helpful tips on overcoming negative thoughts . Great job makes a lot of sense.
First of all I would like to say fantastic blog! I had a
quick question that I’d like to ask if you do not mind.
I was curious to find out how you center yourself and
clear your head before writing. I have had a tough
time clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out.
I truly do take pleasure in writing however it just seems
like the first 10 to 15 minutes are lost just trying to figure out how to begin. Any
recommendations or hints? Appreciate it!
Hello i just think things that are not even logical. I mean i laugh at myslf for thinking illogical megative things and when i tell myself that this is not true i become so happy but then my mind tells me that no u are not happy, the negative things are true and they will always be true and they will destroy you but i know they are not true but my mind convinces me. My mind is just measing with me rite? None of that is true right? I can overcome but i need to defeat the recurring thoughts and i need to tell them they were never true.
@ Aqsa Umar. Yes those negative thoughts are just messing you up so dont believe in them. Sometimes we human commit mistakes and done negatively in life but that doesn’t mean we are really bad as a whole, what we need to do is to accept what happen, forgive ourself and take positive action on it. If you have recurring thoughts after you feel happy then after that negative thoughts and then feel bad again, untangle yourself to those thoughts like recognize and step back from it, dont dwell on it and just let it pass like the one mentioned in this blog and practice more which one would work best on you. Believe in yourself and not in your negative thoughts. Just be patient also with yourself. God Bless.
I totally Ellie e in all of this and it has helped me. How to I help my amazing boyfriend see that his negative thoughts are just that? He has been through tough times and I’m not sure how to help him see that he has the power to change……I love him and want to help him, help himself but I don’t know how to teach someone these things. Thank you!
Thanks for the encouragement to life happily, purposefully and not get hooked by troubling thoughts!
All my gratitude for such a peaceful meditation. I love your gentle voice and the rythm of your speech. I’m coming back to mindfulness meditation after a long period of idleness and I’m fortunate enough to cross you road. Thank you so much!
Melli, your blog post has come at a much needed time. I have been mired by negativity, struggling to break free from it with little avail. I am familiar with your key points, but haven’t put them to work consistently. I am going to print your blog post and post a copy on my bedroom door and another copy in my planner. If I see it regularly, I will remember to use it. Particularly helpful will be the questions to ask to steer away from negative thinking. Being mindful and connected to the moment are helpful, but the questions take you one step further in the processing and dealing with negativity. So, thank you, again, for the timely arrival of your post. I will come back after some time to share with you how putting these ideas into practice has worked for me. By the way, I participated in the month-long online mindfulness retreat in 2015, and I like what you have done since that wonderful experience to keep mindfulness accessible to all. Congratulations!
I am 85 and have learned much of this already. However, I especially appreciate the clarity and gentleness of your approach – and the fact that you make it available online to anyone who is fortunate enough to find it. Thank you!
Jus awesome! I really got a new perspective n mantra by answering those questions. Thank u so much.. Untangling own own thought web is the difficult thing to do especially whn our emotions come in between. U hav showed a brilliant way to cum out of it. God bless u.
Hi, thanks for the article. Actually, I came to this realization myself this morning. I’ve been in the black hole of negative thinking for over a year now. The origin and ongoing cause: infidelity of my wife, lies, deceptions, and a massive destruction of trust. I’ve nested in my negative thoughts out of fear. Fear that if I start trusting again it will all just start over again. So, I just nuzzle up to my negative thoughts, miserably. While I am just at the beginning of turning the corner, I have to wonder if I won’t just once more be made a fool of for loving and trusting my wife. Thanks for the ear.
A very interesting article. I seem to be trapped with negative thoughts for a while now and am trying to change my thinking patterns over the last year. Some has worked but as you would probably hear its easy to go back to negative thoughts as its an easy thing to do. Being positive is so much harder but I can see how being positive is so much more rewarding to my own life. My girlfriend recently broke off our relationship after talk of love, moving in and marriage. I was (well probably still am) heartbroken over this and will use your techniques to help me through this process. Any other support or advice you may have I will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for this. I, like yourself, have issues with bulimia, which I thought were over but have manifested itself again. I also have anxiety and depression. I am in such a rut and have spoken to several counselors over the years but none of them truly helped me. I am constantly putting myself down, comparing myself to others, being jealous of all the skinny, tall, pretty girls around me. I have 2 beautiful daughters and I worry that this will negatively impact them in the future. I am married, but definitely not happily. My husband lets me know that I am the problem, not him. If there is any way we can talk or communicate I would greatly appreciate it. I am desperately longing to release myself from this prison and take back my life, like myself and be positive.
Thanks so much!
Just read your post, this is amazing! I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder this week and really needed this. Thank you so much!
thanks a lot i felt soothed thanks
thanks
I totally get that negative thinking can affect your life. But when you have had the same negative outcomes in life, how can you be positive? You can try and lie to yourself and say “oh yes this will work out”…. But then it doesn’t and it just builds more negativity. If things would work out a bit more I can see being genuinely positive. I don’t think anybody really wants to be negative but when negative stuff continues to happen, how can you really be positive? You say “change your thinking”… The reality is, if some good things would happen, then you could change your thinking but when you are constantly beat down, it’s pretty impossible to be positive. When so many things don’t go your way, you get programmed to be negative. I have never been so depressed, sad, angry and frustrated in my life.
I have been suffering from insomnia and negative thinking for years. I rarely have two consecutive nights of good sleep. Until I read this article.
I started practicing the methods you suggested and things started to improve gradually. Over the course of two months I slept like a baby.
Unfortunately, things gradually went downhill again. It pains me to admit it, but faulty thinking prevailed and I’m back to square one. I will keep fighting though.
Hey Valentin, Thanks for this comment. Thats amazing to hear that you started practicing and noticed what sounds like a big improvement. Hey so what do you think changed? Did you continue practicing mindfulness? It’s not enough to read about it or think about these steps. You really have to keep them up. I’d love to hear how you are doing at the moment and wether you can start again and let us all know what happens!
Thank you for this
I am at loss of words to express my liking for this reading. I can relate every word of it and I am sure it’s pretty doable. Thanks for being there. Please stay in touch and keep enlightening us
You literally summarised a good book on meditation in this article. Awesome work! The key is, as you reiterated several many times, to realise that these thoughts, are, well, just thoughts. They don’t represent you. Once you pay close attention to them, you begin to recognise them for the joke they are. If you disconnect yourself from them, then is when you begin to realise the most beautiful gift you have, the present and the reality it contains.
this was fantastic! thank you. i learn a lot, and took notes.
You are very helpful Melli, thanks again 🙂 If you come to Latin America it would be nice to organise a retreat.
This article was exactly what I needed this evening as I sit in my studio in Los Angeles. I have found myself to be in quite a funk and it has affected my self esteem, finances, relationship, and has caused immense waves of anxiety. I have always been a tough cookie so it’s been interesting dealing with this recent funk fixated on negativity, but I do realize everything happens in life for a reason. Thank you for this post.
I m kiran from india please help me of gettin out of these negative thinking.
Hi i m kiran from india. please help me to get out of these negative thinking.i cant live with these thoughts which comes in my mind all the time everywhere. I wnat to live happy with my family and friend but because of this negative thinking i always in bad mood and feel alone.
I still easily slump into negative thinking patterns. However, I’ve gotten very good at lifting myself out of negativity. Just being alive and breathing is sufficient for happiness and regardless of any other fact. The reward for your effort might be amazing too. Just adjust your attitude, choose life.
hello Mr’s mindfulness, Honestly I have been suffering from a mental trauma for the past six months Now, well because am looking for a job, and also wants to do my gospel music as a musician. so since then I have having destructive negative thinking and it brought me down. but with this I think I would move forward Now. worry too and anxiety has a way of dealing with my mind. but I would key Into this. I still need more help regarding this thanks
Hi Ikenna, Gospel music is so beautiful. Just thinking about it sends shivers down my spine! Darling keep practicing mindfulness and these 4 keys and I promise you it will make a difference. Someone once said to me “I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy. I’m telling you its going to be worth it” and thats what I’ll now pass on to you. Life plagued by negative thinking is a painful path but if you do specific practices to change the state of your mind then you can absolutely turn it around and have more energy and focus to share your beautiful music with the rest of the world. Maybe I’ll get to see you one day singing : )
Hi Mrs. Mindfulness, I’m not sure how you can help me because I like to take care of my depression, negative thinking and critical judgments through active exercises. By active exercises, I mean practising mantras or writing or changing my lifestyle through diet and exercise. In other words, I like to move forward instead of think of the past (so no thought journals!). On the other hand, it does not mean meditating or being quiet/still. I am already this type of person. The problem is that I’m also being influenced by someone that I spend time with daily. Thus, I feel like all of my efforts “go down the drain” because I have to lift someone else too. What do you think about all this?
I keep thinking negative about others weak points and think about their weaknesses whether they be my close relatives or friends or my own family.Becoming a loner and hating every one. Please help me by guiding me.
Khan
Thank you so much for this article it really answered my questions. Now I have peace of mind. God Bless you😊
This article is great! It has change the way I think drastically. I saved this in my phone for when ever I start my cycle of negative thinking.
I want to thank you so much.
I tend to dwell on one thing over and over until I start freaking out and then it gets worse.
I loved your article, thank you so much. I think it will help so many people understand their own patterns of negative thinking and how to make those positive changes to a happier state of mind. I did just want to ask one question though, when would you switch from being the impartial observer of negative thoughts to actually using the techniques of mindfulness to change negative thinking?
Thank you so much. I’m currently trying to rid myself of negative thought habits and let go of things. All whilst trying to save my marriage. I feel like a changed person after this. I appreciate it so much.
Hi Mrs, Mindfulness,
I really like this article and I start to apply it, but I didn’t get this point “the impartial witness”.
you said, “have a sense of simply allowing them to be, creating a state of detachment from thought processes, and begin to see them as merely inner objects that you’re observing”. So, how I can allow them to be and at the same time being detachment from thought processes? how I avoid them and at the same time see them as inner objects that I observe? May I have authentic simple example to get the idea please?
Thanks
Abby
Hi, I want to thank you for this great post that I have been searching for for long time. Before reading this I did not know that I am having a problem with negative imagination, I used to think of it as day dreaming that I had to stop but could not. Sometimes I think that someone will be harmed or will lose one of my beloved and start crying, other time I imagine something funny but not true and will not happen, I get angry of my self in both situations as I am living in a different world than reality. I want to know how can I watch my thoughts and when I catch negativities, what should I do other than resisting them? Are there any techniques to keep myself fully aware of the moment? An last, if we would call this imagination a talent, how can I make use of it positively? Thanks, Nourhan.
Hi Nourhan, I don’t know if you might ever see this reply but the first thing you must be aware of if you want to be more aware of the things you are thinking is that YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS! it is difficult for you to stand as an observer because you still think of your thoughts/mind as your own. So, to become more aware, think of your thoughts as seeds, and you as the farmer. Simply be aware, when you are having a seed (thoughts) that you don’t want. There’s no use giving it your attention.
Hi, thanks for sharing your experience.
I’m battling with bulimia at the moment and would really appreciate some advice from you… My pitfall in recovery seems to be when I relapse.. I lose hope and fear another relapse, so I just allow myself to waddle in negative thoughts.. How did you pull through?
This is by far, the absolutely best written and described “Guide” on this subject i have ever read, it makes perfect sence!
thank you!
Hi Mrs. Mindfulness,
Thanks a lot for this article.
All what you wrote make clear sense, but I wished if you have touched on how to reach deep seated believes, and negative patterns which may stay out of reach of our awareness.
Kind Regards
Daniel XXXX
Thank you so much!
I was really suffering from this negative thoughts which was arising day to day. I always think of injustices happening in the world and society and social anxiety and now I’m practicing your steps and it’s helping me 🙂 and I’m going to get rid of this and achieve my goals for my future without any negative thoughts and distractions. Thanks again!! 😀
Sɑved as a favorite, I love your website!
I just want to thank you for your tips. For years I’ve battled with overthinking and negative thoughts. I’ve always tried to find things to do to help with but nothing has worked but I will definitely try this way. You pretty much described me to the T!
Wishing you well with it. Patience, persistence and self compassion!
I’m glad it’s been a benefit to you
hello sir…
I felt that my thought is my enemy…
I often think about third person instead think about me ..
what others think about me ? like this
I like to achieve lot of thinks but these thoughts makes me destroy
its makes me to think m pulse points into minus example: I have a good face cut and physic but I compare with ugly persons “oh god what happen if I look like her”….
I often get fear about, “is that me like her and her face cut and boady structure”
I hope that u surely laugh about following words:
1.sometimes I think or command my mind ” what u r doing I too don’t know alphabets then how could you read u can’t read” like this …
plz let me to know what is my problem…
Hi Melli,
Thank you for writing this post, it’s given me great strength! I know you’ve written that this is not a ‘quick fix’ method, but how long do you think it took you to feel like it had worked? I know that’s a not a very ‘mindful’ question to ask, but some days I feel like I understand mindfulness and other days it’s a real struggle!
{That being said, I’ve only been mindfully meditating each day for a little over 5 weeks!}
Thanks, Hannah
I read both your articles :”The Four Keys to Overcoming Negative Thinking…For Good” and “How to use mindfulness to overcome negative emotions”. I should say it is completely brilliant article. I thank you very much . I was not able to stay present due to a recent change that occurred in my life for which I was finding very difficult to adapt. Your article changed my perception and I could stay present and mindful much more easily now after reading your post.
Dude, great post. Can I also add that deep down you know what to do, it’s just the uneasy feeling that you are trapped in an emotional tornado that saps your confidence. Another big thing is talk to yourself as you would speak to your best friend if they came to you with your concerns.
Good luck to all.
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Hmmm, let me see if i can figure it out – hang in there : )
Hi ! I love your website !! I just wanted an affirmation forim you really if that’s possible. I have spent years worrying about what others think of me when im talking to them. I always think im going red- So much that i actually do (and rashy) the last day I have tried to catch my thinking when im about to think this and instead think ‘I can be confident’ it is working because i can feel a shift in how i an feeling when i do this. However i just need an affirmation that this will get easier as time goes on because I am having to keep forcing myself to stop my original thoughts and think the new way. If you can affirm this for me then I know I will be more empowered !! Xxx.
Hi Ang, mindfulness, like any skill definitely does get easier and easier over time with practice. Thanks so much for your comment and wishing you all the best : )
Once we do achieve that inner moment-to-moment awareness, it’s amazing how much choice we end up having. If I choose to be happy, then I become happy. I would never believe it myself if i didnt experience it. But it does come from trust and quietness and stillness first. Then I have room to grow.
when someone undermines me or some bad thing happen tomeh again then i start doubting myself. Like whether im capable or not?
Can I do this labelling of thoughts in my daily life ? Throughout the day can I notice my thoughts (when ever arise) and label them ?
One more question, when a thought or emotion arises do I need to detach from it and observe it until it disappears and then label it or I detach and immediately label it and get back to my senses or whatever i am doing?
Hi thank you so much for sharing such a great tips to over come negative thoughts.. I have been suffering these kind of ill thoughts leading to social anxiety, low self esteem, little pleasure in doing things, less motivation and depression.
I have changed jobs after jobs to coz of this I have consulted doctor and awaiting face to face counselling to start, I have openly told my wife who is a strong character and supportive woman in my life.
I am starting a new job tomorrow and start practicing your tips from day one to observe my negative thinking and being aware of my negative thoughts and not to act accordingly.
am a strong believer of one GOD and I hope he protects me and makes me feel better and also bless me and the whole world to be motivated and be inspired to do good things and think positive.
Thank You so much for Blogging this wonderful information. I have been fighting the negative thoughts for a long time and also the negative emotions as well. With your 4 Keys that you have talked about I can now watch and see what causing the reactions that I have. I have to remind myself that it will take time and it is not one of these things that if fixed over night.
But Time will help me a lot. Thank You again for taking the time and fore sharing with folks about what you went through and how to help others.
My pleasure Rebecca. I’m so glad you found this helpful. May it bring you as much inner freedom and contentment as it has brought me. All the best for 2015 : )
Hi Princess,
I am a teen struggling with basically the same as you did/do, and I can’t wait to try out your method. I feel a lot more trusting receiving advice from people who have similar morals (not caring about body image rather than saying you need to change your body so people wont judge you etc) and want to thank you for holding on when it will have been so tough to just have let go of life and give in . Thank you for your sakes and oursakes for being alive and living this beautiful, majestic, magical day. After all, you are good enough. We all are.
Peace out, Sophie
Hi Sophie and thank you for such a beautiful comment. Please do let me know how you go applying this. It works. Just keep at it and if you combine it with mindfulness practice you’ll get even better results. Also check out this post on dealing with difficult emotions. I think you’ll like it http://mrsmindfulness.com/mindfulness-for-negative-emotions/
I find that I am often able to catch negative thoughts, but this also happens when I’m conversing with people. So, if someone asks me, “what are you thinking?”, I have no ‘constructive’ response just then. It takes me a pause in order to rearrange the negative thought; which if I look at closely, isn’t true whatsoever…. so I get a little worried that the time it takes to catch, examine, and re-direct… doesn’t really help me in that moment. I know people say think before you speak, but do you have any other suggestions on what to do if we can’t take as much time to do this introspection?
It take s time and practice to become more and more aware of what is arising in our internal landscape. I don’t think its uncommon for people to take some time to redirect attention inside to see what is there. We mostly have our attention very much in the external world so don’t worry – your not alone!
Mindfulness meditation practice will help you become more self aware if you want to give it a go.
All the best and happy 2015
I’m so glad I’ve found this article.It is true that once you’ve realized and acknowledged all your negative emotions it would be a good start to help battle it out.Overcoming negative thinking by putting in positive ones can be hard at first, but definitely worth it at the very end.This is really helpful.
I’m glad it’s been a benefit to you William : )
I have been involved with a woman (about a year and a half now), who continually lies to me. I didn’t realize it until I was head over heels for her. Every time I think that she has changed, she does it to me again. I’m trying to let go and move on, but I can’t get her out of my head. I think of her constantly. My thoughts are obsessed with constantly trying to figure out the whys and ifs and whens. Our entire relationship began under an umbrella of deceit. How do I stop thinking about this situation long enough to allow myself to get past it, so I can once and for all let this woman go?
This may hurt but it sounds like the only person that is lying to you is yourself. You deserve better than having been in a (bad) for so long. Prepare yourself through the advise of this column not to continue or fix this relationship but make some positive adjustments with yourself so the start of the next relationship is predicated on respect. Thoughts from a filicide survivor 🙂
Great Blog Post! Made notes while reading it. Thank you 🙂
I had an abusive childhood which caused me many many deep and long term emotional problems. After spending most my young adult life in and out of therapy I finally found Buddhism and meditation. I am now showing great improments though mindfulness. However, I have a hard time identifying and categorizing my negative thoughts in efforts to acknowledge them and address them.
Hi Martin,
It can be helpful to label thoughts but you don’t have to worry about it to much. If your not finding it helpful to label thoughts then just drop that part of the practice.
The main thing is that you observe thoughts/emotions and therefore dis-identify from them. As you watch the thoughts and emotions they lose their grip on you. They lose their power to ‘take you over’
In time you’ll find it easier and easier. You might gain from also reading this blog post about working with difficult emotions. Let me know how you go http://mrsmindfulness.com/mindfulness-for-negative-emotions/
Oh yes, can you keep your email on the comment you can also keep the number thankyou
This was exceptionally helpful, thank you. I have struggled with these cycles of destructive negativity for years, affecting relationships, work and my own capacity to feel happy. I think that having read this I can start on my own journey to learn how to be happy again, grateful for all that I have and have achieved, and not dwell constantly on the loss, grief and trauma. So, truly, thank you!
Hey Beno, seeing this comment made my day. I’m so glad this post has been helpful after your challenges. I’m pleased to be with you on your journey. Wishing you all the best my friend.
I often feel negative about sharp things around me and make me feel uncomfortable…….Why?
Hi Salman. We all have our different fears and worries. Sometimes the reason is apparent and other times we don’t know it. What is important and helpful is not necessarily understanding the ‘why’ but instead asking ourselves ‘how’. How do we want to relate to the thoughts and emotions that are arising in the present moment?
We can choose new ways of relating to difficult thoughts and emotions. We can respond to them mindfully. Give this article a read as well. It will teach you how to deal with negative emotions mindfully and gain a new perspective on the negativity as it arises. http://mrsmindfulness.com/mindfulness-for-negative-emotions/
I hope this is helpful : )
Thanks for the reference article, I have read this article many time and it was really very helpful and it help me to realize that I am not my fear and I have to be more generous toward my negative emotion rather than fight back.
As I was trap in the negativity for quite long (more than 5 years) so it is very persistent within me, but I have to take care of it and Insh Allah soon this wounded part will be recovered fully.
Can you guide further in this regard.
Thanks again 🙂
Hi Salman, yes, you are not your fear! You are not your negative emotions, but still, we all need to learn to work more skilfully when these difficult emotions and thoughts arise. The best advice i could ever give you my friend, is to go ahead an begin learning the practice of mindfulness. Begin a daily practice even if it is only short (10 or 15 mins a day) and you will get better and better able to handle the challenges of life (both inner and outer ones). The best way to learn would be to find a local course or retreat to learn with a skilled teacher. Where do you live? Is these a way you can learn locally?
Or perhaps you could simply begin with the free meditations i provide upon signup to my newsletter. there are also some cool apps out there you could try. go for it!
Thanks again, well I live in Karachi, Pakistan and I don’t know anyone in my locality who can teach in this regard, however I am trying myself to get rid of this negative feelings.
I will try your meditation from now onward and hope to get your guidance as well 🙂
Thank you so much. amazing article. scientific and to the core of the problem. I’ve been suffering from low esteem, harsh critisizing myself, overthinking, negative thinking, aiming for perfection, a lot of anxiety. Mainly low self esteem. I feel that I need a lot of support from my family. How can I ask them to support me? also I dont feel happy at all when I achieve things. I find it so ordinary and my brain is just so focused on the next target. any advise on how to stop thinking this way?
Hii, I am also In a situation of negative thinking all the time and I will surely try out this method but I am a little confused in the choosing constructive or destuctive thoughts part, what exactly I have to do in that part. Please help me out.
Hi, Wasim. I find one way to really generate constructive thoughts rather than destructive ones is to first of all notice if i am ruminating or worrying. I use the label and let go technique which you can read about here http://mrsmindfulness.com/how-to-overcome-worry-anxiety-for-good/
That gives me a way or recognising and stepping back from the thoughts i was caught up in.
Then to generate a more constructive approach to a situation or problem I ask myself ‘high quality questions’ to change my thinking and how i feel as well.
Questions such as ‘How could i approach this situation in a way that will energise me and nurture me?’ or ‘How could i see this situation in a new light or perspective’ or ‘What am i truly grateful for in my life right now?’ or also ‘What could i do today to make myself and others feel loved and supported?’
Then let the answers come!
These kinds of questions re-orient the mind and generate new kinds of thoughts, new perspectives and new ways of responding to life. Keep practicing this every time you find yourself feeling stuck in negativity and you’ll feel more and more empowered every day.
I hope this is helpful. Please feel free to ask more questions if you’d like more clarity and support : )
Thanks so much for sharing some key tips. It feels refreshing getting a new sense of hope for my negative thinking. One question i have, i keep hearing that i should not try to fight or push negative thoughts and as you said be an impartial observer, but how exactly can i do that? how can i do it practically? can you give me an example so that i can apply it to myself?
Thanks…even i m goinh thru something like dis…unsure n confused most of d timez..worrying has become a habit , hp i can practice to overcone dis
My pleasure honey. I truly hope it helps. If worry in particular is being a pain in the bum then read this one too http://mrsmindfulness.com/how-to-overcome-worry-anxiety-for-good/
Let me know if you need any further clarification or questions : )
Hi Sarah, your so welcome. I hope these 3 keys help you to live a more peaceful, contented and happy life. Let me know how you go!
Dear Melli
Thank you so much I so enjoy your input and wisdom. I am very grateful that you share yourself with us all
Love Kathryn
What a lovely article. Thank you so much
Thank you for posting this! It helps so much coming from a person who has knowledge of the issue, the reason why, and how to fix are very important to me, i can’t just use a technique and put it into place. I’ve tried everything and this is the best for me!
Hi,
I read this post around a week ago. I’ve been consumed by nagatuve thoughts and as you say prisoner of my own mind. I often spend so much time in my own head, the thoughts become so over whelming they make me question my whole life and sometimes I act on the emotion and make irrational decisions, but my 10 year relationship to the father of my children suffers the most.
I’ve practised your steps everyday since I read the post, I feel so much different I’m already managing to avoid negative thoughts from becoming anything more.
I’m looking to try some meditation as some negative thoughts are not always as easy to move away from then others but I’m finding the naming the thoughts really helpful, this has helped me identify a recurring pattern ie I’m a terrible mam, I don’t think my relationship is right, I’m frightened of getting old the list goes on.
Im making some lasting changes, my relationship has been brilliant , I feel so close and at ease. It’s still a working progress but I feel I have gained some control over my own mind and life again.
Thanks for your help
I had so many ‘a ha’ moments reading this- even though I have been studying and practicing mindfulness for a long time – thank you so much for all you do and your clarity in explaining such incredibly helpful and deep teachings.
Much love
hi…your article seemed so good ..it helps a lot when i read this…
A very interesting article. I seem to be trapped with negative thoughts for a while now and am trying to change my thinking patterns over the last year. Some has worked but as you would probably hear its easy to go back to negative thoughts as its an easy thing to do. Being positive is so much harder but I can see how being positive is so much more rewarding to my own life. My girlfriend recently broke off our relationship after talk of love, moving in and marriage. I was (well probably still am) heartbroken over this and will use your techniques to help me through this process. Any other support or advice you may have I will be greatly appreciated.